The Trial of the Lost
by TJHECTOR
Summary: SAINW. Three years after Don was gone... Under the attack of their archenemy, Splinter told them to run for their lives... In the vast city full of Shredder's evil eyes watching, Leo, Raph and Mikey must lean on their remaining brothers no matter how they doubt them. But without Donnie, mending something broken is more difficult than it used to be. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1: In the warehouse

**The Trial of the Lost**

**Summary:**

Donatello has been missing for almost three years now and everything hasn't been the same. Under the attack of their archenemy, Splinter told them to run for their lives... Three brothers are left alone. In the vast city full of Shredder's evil eyes watching, Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo must grow stronger and lean on each other; they must trust their remaining brothers no matter how they doubt them... But without Donnie, mending something broken is more difficult than it used to be...

**Based on** the universe of the epic ep of 2003 TV series "Same as it never was".

**A/N:** It's my first try on a fan fiction. Really like to know what happened after Donnie disappeared from this alternative universe.

I rewrote this chapter after I wrote chapter seven (I planned total nine chapter so far). So it is now slightly different from the version you may have read when it was first published. But no major-not even minor-change done to the plot. I just thought I could do better. Thank you very much for reading this, hope you enjoy the story.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

* * *

**Chapter One: In the Warehouse**

_It still felt like yesterday. It's just hazy and blurry like some sort of a nightmare that you had almost forgotten until it caught you off guard and haunted you with shards of images you had wished to wipe out forever from you memories. Guilt. And obsession. Mostly it was guilt that caused you pain. And there was helplessness. You only wished you had done your best, but you gradually found out that, actually, you had done everything you can—there was nothing you can do anymore. You could change nothing. You were uncontrollably obsessed with your fear and self-condemnation. Reality was what scared you the most._

_I wanted to convince myself that it was only a dream, a bad dream that if I shake myself hard enough I would wake up shivering. But it was no dream; it was real. No matter how much I told myself it would all pass and I'll wake up surrounding by the same old feeling of reassurance and security, I still woke up every morning soaking in sweat and shame._

_No more hope. No more happiness. It's all gone. There was only regret._

* * *

They were surrounded by unfamiliar darkness when it's time for a day to start. No smell of breakfast. No sounds of morning TV. No voices murmuring of passing milk and stuff. The air smelled damp and felt cold. The only sound that could be heard was small creatures, rats or cockroaches, crawling in the corners not far away; besides that, it was stillness. They were not in the lair.

Leonardo opened his eyes.

At first he did not recognized this place, and then suddenly fragments of memory pierced through his blurry mind, forcing him to wake up completely. T_hey ran through the tunnels. The lair had been under attack. Foot tech ninjas, Karai legions, Footninjas were everywhere. They barely escaped. Mikey's constant groan reminded Leo how badly the youngest one was injured. Raphael was yelling at him. The cold scent of city smog gave him chills. They were on the streets, hiding from the watching eyes of Foot ninjas. They left Splinter behind. Yes…Splinter. Splinter was still fighting, alone, in the lair. And they went into an abandoned warehouse._

They were in the warehouse now.

"Raph." He called out in the darkness. "Raphael. You there?"

A low, muffled grunt. "Hrrr… Leo?"

Leo sighed in relief, sitting up. His eyes were gradually adjusting the darkness. It should be morning, or midday by now, but the warehouse was almost pitch-black; maybe the windows were sealed.

"Raph, is Mikey next to you?"

Raph moaned. Leo could hear him struggling to sit straight. "He's here, Leo."

"Is he—"

"He's alive."

There was a brief moment of silence. And then a _click_, Leo turned on a flashlight.

"Whoa." Raph covered his eyes. "Where did ya get that?"

"Grabbed it before leaving the lair." Leo said.

"Nice." Raph said, but sounded unconcerned.

He pointed at Mikey, who was lying almost lifeless next to him. "Over here. I wanna check on Mike."

Leo moved towards the direction of Raph's voice. He held up the flashlight and was able to see Raph. Raphael's face was covered in blood, ash and dirt. Leo realized he probably looked the same.

"You alright?" He asked, feeling stupid.

"Not as bad as Mikey that I know." Raph muttered. He tried to stand up but failed. He ended up collapsing on the floor, "my leg." He cursed under his breath.

"How's your left eye?" Leo asked Raph. His own body sored all over, and was covered with bruises. There was a rather deep slash on the side of his head, but otherwise he was fine.

Raph shrugged. "Still can see nuthin'. Whatever. 'S not important." He motioned for the flashlight. "Gimme that."

Leo passed the flashlight to him. Raph held it up so he could examine Michelangelo closely. Leo crawled to their side.

"It stopped bleedin'." Raph said, fingers gently stroking Mikey's head. Mikey's left forearm was slit open by a legionbot last night. They had tied the wound with a piece of cloth, but the blood quickly soaked through it. It was a nasty cut, so bad that Mikey lost conscious due to pain and blood loss even when they were still making their way through the sewer tunnels.

"Thank God." Leo said. "We need medical supplies though. We couldn't leave it like this…"

The two brothers were silent for a moment, both sinking into their thoughts.

Raph broke the silence. "What about Master Splinter?"

Leo looked down at the ground. "He'll find us." He said in an unsure tone.

Raph hissed. "How do _ya_ know?"

"…He'll be fine, Raph." Leo lied. "There's nothing we can do…" _And there's nothing else he could say._

Raph took a deep breath. "We _could have_—" His voice came out in a horrible croak.

"—It's all meaningless now." Leo interrupted him coldly.

"And it's because of you!" Raph said hoarsely.

"Stop it, Raph!" Leonardo said loudly. "...I really don't want to do this right now."

"We left the lair without him and it's all because of you…"

"He WANTS us to leave, too! Stop it!" Now he was shouting.

"Ya know this was so not the time to be the good student…" Raph smirked.

"We can do nothing to change it now." Said Leo grimly.

"Oh yeah? That's how you deal with responsibility?"

"Raph, we are ALIVE. That's all Splinter wanted us to be…"

"Yeah? Mikey's fuckin' dyin' and we can't goddamned move our shells and you say we are alright? I tell ya it's a thousand times better ta die with Sensei…"

"Shut up, Raph. Master Splinter's still alive. And Mikey's not dying! Every word you said is meaningless. It doesn't matter anymore." Leo said slowly and his eyes were inexpressive. "It's gonna change nothing."

Raph gaped at him, his shoulders trembling.

"I can't believe it." He uttered in disbelief, shuddering. "Ya left him to his death! Do ya even listen ta yerself? You _ruthless_ coward!"

Leo found himself suddenly on the brink of losing patience until noticing Raph was gasping in tears.

"Come on, Raph…" He tried to put a hand on Raph's shell but was shoved away.

"Don't touch me." Raph grunted.

"Come on." Leo tried again. "I don't want him to die. But it's our only chance…if it wasn't for Sensei, we wouldn't be alive now, Raph. For his sake, for Don's sake, and for Mikey's sake, we..." He stopped, shaking his head as he found himself suddenly speechless.

"Come on, Raphael." He said softly at last. "Don't do this…" He put his hand on Raph's shivering shoulder; this time, Raph did not resist.

He said _Donnie's name_, the word that hadn't been spoken for a long time.

For a while there was only the sound of Raphael tried to hold back uncontrollable sobbing and no one spoke. He picked up the flashlight, though trembling unquenchably. Leonardo let out a long breath, suppressing whatever his heart was screaming to relinquish, and then bent down to inspect Mikey's condition.

The youngest turtle's face was ghastly pale, his breath quick and shallow. Leo felt his own forehead and then pressed his palm on Mikey's forehead. It felt slightly too hot.

"I think he's running a fever." Leo said in a low voice. "The wound was maybe infected."

"Hang on bro." Raph rasped, holding Mikey's right hand in his own.

All of a sudden, a small sound escaped from Michelangelo's throat.

"Mikey?" Leo called.

"Mikey! Ya hear me?" Raph's back straightened.

Mikey moaned again; his head started to turn slightly from left to right as if he was trying to escape from something. "Don..Donnie…" he said in an almost inaudible raspy voice, "Leo…Raph…. Don't…."

"Mikey, we're here. Right beside ya." Raph said soothingly.

"Mikey, it's fine. You are safe now." Said Leo.

Mikey struggled for a moment, and then he said in a slur, "…'S that you Leo?"

"Yeah," Leo answered, "right here."

Mikey opened his eyes, but due to the sting of the flashlight, he closed them immediately. Raph turned the light away.

"Mikey, you are safe with us."

Mikey swallowed, feeling his throat dry and coarse. But he managed to speak, "Leo, …where are we?"

"In a safe place. It's a discarded warehouse, Mikey."

"And where's…Master Splinter?"

Silence.

"He's...on his way here. He'll come." Said Leo, and then paused for a moment. "How are you feeling, Mikey?"

"Aw…awful." Mikey tried to smile.

"Do you need anything?" Asked Leo.

"Some water…would be nice."

At the moment both Leo and Raph realized that they were thirsty, and…hungry.

Raph's grip on Mikey's hand tightened. "We'll find ya water, and food, too. Your arm hurt?"

Mikey flinched at his brother's question, and then replied hesitantly in a low mumble. "…'m okay." It was certainly a lie as he blinked in an effort to hide the pain.

"We'll find you painkiller, too. And antibiotics…" Leo said, and thought, blankets…they'll need blankets, too. Turtles cannot survive long under this kind of weather, not to mention they were wounded and stressed out.

"We'll keep ya warm. Don't worry, Mikey." Raph said, lifting Mikey's head up and placing it on his own lap.

Leo brooded on the things they needed for a moment, then asked, "Raph, how's your leg?"

"It's sprained, I guess."

"Listen," Leo said thoughtfully. "We need some supplies. Have to go out and search for food, medicine and other things we need to survive in this place."

"I'll go." Volunteered Raph.

"No, I'll go." Said Leonardo, "your leg's sprained."

"But…you're wounded, too." Mikey pointed out. "Wait. How about calling Casey, or April? Maybe they can help us."

"Last night when you were out cold, we called them. They said they were being monitored; it's not safe for us to go out and meet them. And…we'll just be dragging them into this mess." Leo said. "And I'm mostly fine, Mikey."

"Geez, all kinds of sick people out there. The town's filled with Saki's goddamned spies." Retorted Raph.

"Well, it's not the first time we come to this acknowledgement." Said Leo darkly, "they can help us, sure. But better lay low for a couple of days."

"Hey Leo," asked Raph, "how are ya goin' ta get us food? You gonna steal them from a store or somethin'?"

"Of course not." Leo said. "Hang on, …maybe April really can help us."

"How?"

"I have to think this through. Need to meditate for a while." Leo said, pondering. "I'll go after dark." He stood up, slowly retreating to the nearest corner.

After Leo was out of hearing distance, Mikey gazed at Raph's bloodstained left cheek.

"What happened to your eye, Raph?"

Raph looked down at him. "Nothing. It's…no big deal." He muttered. When they were still in the sewer, the Foot set the explosive they brought off and a brick hit him on his face. He guessed his left eye got blinded, but not sure whether it was a permanent damage.

"I…" Mikey swallowed. _He carried me all the way here. It was because of me he couldn't defend himself._ "I'm dragging you down, am I?" He whispered lowly. "You're stuck here because of me, right? If it's not—"

"Shut up, Michelangelo." Raph snorted. "Don't say stupid things."

Mikey was silent, seemingly wounded by the harsh tone of his words. Raph sighed, patting him softly on his shoulders. "'M sorry, Mike. But we aren't goin' anywhere without ya. We'll help ya get better."

"I know." Mikey muttered; there were tears in his eyes but he did not allow them to fall.

"Don't ya ever say anythin' like that again."

"I'm sorry."

Raph looked down at him. Mikey returned him a weary smile. Raph did not smile back, though.

-End of chapter one.


	2. Chapter 2: Donatello

**The Trial of the Lost**

**Summary:**

Donatello has been missing for almost three years now and everything hasn't been the same. Under the attack of their archenemy, Splinter told them to run for their lives... Three brothers are left alone. In the vast city full of Shredder's evil eyes watching, Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo must grow stronger and lean on each other; they must trust their remaining brothers no matter how they doubt them... But without Donnie, mending something broken is more difficult than it used to be...

**Based on** the universe of the epic ep of 2003 TV series "Same as it never was".

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

* * *

**Chapter Two: Donatello**

_He's gone. My brother. No note, not one goodbye. Just one ordinary evening saying he's going out to search for useful items in a junkyard, and he was gone forever from our lives. And since then, everything had fallen apart. We lived in the same place, strolled down the same hallway everyday; our daily routine did not change, but everything hardly felt the same._

_I did not cry. I had not shed a tear for my lost brother. I was kind of surprised myself that I had detected neither sorrow nor pain, only a hollow emptiness. The lack of his presence was sometimes unendurable, but unreal, too._

_I didn't believe he's dead; for all we knew, he probably had accidentally stumbled upon a gateway to another dimension. So he's lost. And so were we._

_We had tried to look for him. The mission went on for weeks, months, and finally, we just gave up searching for him._

_We seldom mentioned his name at home. Everything became more silent and solid. I knew along with Donatello, an invincible chain had broken, leaving my other brothers and me drowning in the void that was so profound and unknown._

_Sometimes I imagined he would just show up like nothing had happened, walking through the front door and smiling. However, my hopes did not last long. A part of me had gone with him, too. The optimistic part maybe, or the part that used to taste happiness in the air and dream and hope. Whatever._

* * *

"Raph?" Mikey's feeble voice called out from the darkness.

"Yeah." Answered Raphael. He now leaned against the cool wall, Michelangelo's head still rested on his lap. It was already dark outside (inside it was always dark, with the windows of the warehouse sealed), and Leo had been gone for supplies for half an hour now. Before hearing his name, Raph was half asleep. "What?"

"N…nothin'," Mikey said, "just want to…make sure you are still there."

"You are right beside me and you need ta make sure?" Raph snickered.

"You were so silent, dude." Mikey said in a worried tone.

"'Coz I'm asleep, Mike."

"Don't fall asleep okay?" Mikey said. "It's so dark and cold here."

"I'll try." Raph said drowsily, patting Mikey on his unwounded arm.

"When will Leo come back?"

"Dunno. Soon. Don't worry."

"What if they ambush him or something?"

"That guy's tough. Ya gotta believe in him."

"What about Master Splinter?"

Raph did not say anything for a moment.

"What happened after I was knocked down last night?" Mikey demanded. "Leo's not telling the truth, right?"

Raph sighed, did not want to answer or even think about it.

"Raph? I need to know…"

Raph hesitated, staring down the darkness, his eyes blinking—his left eye still hurt, reminding him more of the vivid scenes that was playing in his mind over and over again.

"…They were everywhere, Mikey." Finally he said, his voice low and despondent. "All of a sudden somethin' exploded. We tried ta escape. I carried you on my back…we ran for an exit, but those damned legions were just behind us. Then Master Splinter pushed me to the door and told us ta run, sayin' he'll deal with 'em. I said, how 'bout you Sensei? But Leo grabbed my arm and tried ta pull me through that door. I yelled at him, you couldn't leave Sensei there like that! They'd kill him! …There were so many of 'em… But goddammit Leo wouldn't listen. That bastard, sayin' it's our only chance. It's not our only chance. I tell ya it's fuckin' not. Man, …I can't believe, still can't believe we…" he looked away, staring into the darkness. "We just... abandoned him.

"…Right after we ran into the sewer tunnel there was another explosion, then another…the tunnel almost collapsed, the wall snapped and…" Raph paused to breath; he wanted to continue but felt the words had slipped away from his grasp.

"Raph…" Mikey was probably too stunned to say anything else. After a moment, he tried again, the sound of his voice almost a wheeze. "Do you think…he's…dead?"

"I don't want ta believe it."

"…Me neither. But you said…there were explosions…"

"Yeah." Raph said darkly. "I…don't know how he's gonna make it."

"This is…" Mikey took a few deep breaths and sank into silence.

Raphael found Mikey's hand and squeezed it lightly. "We should go back to the sewer and look for 'im. He's probably wounded."

"I think Shredder must have sent his men down there in case we might return." Mikey said.

"You're right." Raph sighed. "Don't think about it Mikey. Just rest okay? You need ta rest."

Mikey slightly nodded, and then closed his eyes, trying not to think about what happened last night. It was not hard; he was tired and weak. He held Raph's right hand as tight as he could, it felt warm, and he tried to concentrate on nothing but the warmth. It felt like something familiar from childhood, too.

* * *

Leonardo, disguised in a dirty raincoat and a hat with holes all over it found in a trashcan, was hiding in the shadows of an alley, observing closely the movement taken place across the street. A brown van originally parking beside the sidewalk was now starting down the road. He also noticed that there were Foot Ninjas around. One on the rooftop nearby, two in the next alley, and that black car looked suspicious, too. As the brown van making its way through the night, the Foot Ninjas also made their move.

Leo watched the scene cautiously. April and Casey were in the van.

"April?" He whispered to the Shellcell. "You are being followed."

"I know. They were everywhere."

"Try to get rid of the black car behind you. I'll take care of the rest of 'em."

"All right."

Although the van had already gone out of sight, Leo heard the sudden roar of its engine. He sneered, leaping from the darkness. Within a second, he was across the street, taking down the two Foot Ninjas from behind. The one on the rooftop saw him, springing down by his side. Not even using his katanas, he finished the man in silence.

After dragging the unconscious Foot Ninjas into the valley, Leonardo rested against the wall for a moment. Owning to the exhaustion of the previous fight, he felt light-headed. He had not used his weapons since yesterday, and he seriously doubted that he could lift two katanas right now.

"Leo?" April called from the phone. "I think we ditched them!"

"Good." Leo panted. "Head straight to Northhampton, okay?"

"Don't worry about us, Leo. How about you? You said Mikey's badly hurt and Splinter's missing?"

"We'll be fine." Leo lied. "Be careful, you and Casey."

"...We will, Leo. You take care, too."

Once making sure no more Foot was around, Leo pulled the front of his coat tight, lowered his hat, and then hurried down the street. A supermarket came into sight; he hastily went in.

He was not going to shop in the store; April had done all the shopping for him. All he needed was looking for the bags April had left behind. And there they were, in the corner hidden behind a cart right beside the door. Leo sighed in relief, picking up three bagful of supplies. Fortunately, nobody seemed to notice him. He quickly left the supermarket, embracing the shadow of the buildings—the only friend he got from now on.

* * *

It had been an hour since one of them last spoke, and Leo had not returned from his mission. Raph could feel Mikey starting to scuffle uneasily on his lap.

"What's the matter Mikey?"

But Mikey didn't answer; he just kept breathing hard and turning his head around. His forehead was hot and sweaty under Raph's palm.

"Calm down bro, what's goin' on?" Raph turned the flashlight on and saw Mikey's face twisted in pain.

"Donnie…" Mikey mumbled, half-raising an arm and struggling in his dream. The agony was half mental half physical. His left arm throbbed with severe pain, and his left side of body was burning as if it was boiling while his left side was as cold as ice.

* * *

_I know it's unfair; maybe it's against your will, too. But why did you leave us like that?_

_…He saw Donatello was about to leave the room. "Where are you going, Donnie?" He asked. "I was going to pick up something that might be of service to the project I'm working on right now from that junkyard I found last week." Don replied, "Need anything?" "Well, ice-cream?" "I think it would have melted before I get home, Mikey." "Never mind." Sighed Michelangelo. "You have no creativity. I thought maybe you can figure out a way to prevent them from melting, on your way home." "Well, maybe you can figure it out yourself, Mikey! Gotta go." And then Donatello was gone forever…_

_…It was maybe a week later. He was sitting on Don's chair in the corner that served as his workshop. "What cha doin' there?" Raph snapped as he passed by. "I don't know." Replied Mikey blankly. "Thought I help organizing his stuff before he come back." "He's not comin' back." Raph said resolutely and coldly. "How do you know?" Mikey protested. And suddenly Raph just went off, "get the hell outta there Mikey!" Mikey was startled, quickly jumping out of the chair in dismay. And he hated Raph for it at once. That night he went to sleep in Donatello's empty room, no, he did not sleep, he just sat on Don's bed for a very long time, hating Raph for yelling at him and for some other reasons that was probably beyond his knowledge._

_Their life was a mess after Donnie was gone. Not that they did not focus on their training, on the contrary, they were enthusiastic about it more than ever. It was just that they forgot how to speak and react to each other like in old days. Every word spoken out loud sounded strange and feeble. Mikey lost some interest in keeping track of the new issues of his favorite comic books. He felt that they were boring and shallow. Sometimes he teased Raph halfheartedly just to piss him off, and hated himself for it. It was not fun anymore, but it made time pass faster. And sometimes he just needed to watch Raph go berserk and enjoy being annoyed by the scene. And for Leo, Mikey ignored him for a while, not knowing why. But Leo was acting weird, too; he focused completely on training and spent a lot of time meditating, while Raph devoted himself to busting street gangs with Casey, and was constantly away from home. When alone in the lair, Mikey would turn the TV on loud, just so their home wouldn't be so listless and quiet._

_"Michelangelo, I need to speak with you." Master Splinter said one day. Mikey was lying on the sofa then, watching a movie absentmindedly. "About what, Sensei?" He said without looking up, not caring about being rude. "You are lost, Michelangelo. You need to surrender to the emptiness in your heart, listen to what it has to say. You have built a wall around you, my son. But instead of feeding noise to your mind, it needs to be left alone and contemplate, **in the silence that you fear**…."_

* * *

"_RAPH_!" Michelangelo shrieked.

"…What? What is it? Mikey? I'm here… you are havin' a bad dream. Only a bad dream, Mikey….Everything's gonna be okay…" He heard Raph, from somewhere far away. He thought he was crying. He wanted to stop screaming but couldn't help it.

"Mikey? Mikey…it's alright, I'm here…" He felt Raph's palm around his shoulder. And he heard himself saying, "I'm sorry, Raph. Truly sorry. I'm so sorry, so sorry…" He just kept apologizing, but he did not know why. _Maybe it's because he hated Raph for being so frigid about Donnie's absence. But that's not true; he knew Raph did care…_

"Shhhh…calm down bro…" Raph was saying, gently wrapping his arms around his brother. "It's nothin' but a bad dream…"

"Raph…" Mikey gasped, "I'm so sorry…"

"Why d'ya keep sayin' sorry?" Raph asked in a blurry voice. Mikey finally opened his eyes, shedding his dreams, or rather, memories, and found Raph's face covered in panic tears.

"Raph, I miss him." He said, trembling.

Raphael rubbed his tears away, hurting his injured left eye.

"I miss him too, Mikey." His voice was soft.

"Raph…" Michelangelo managed to say, and then groaned as a blunt pain piercing through his left arm; there were clouds over his eyes again. "Raph… I can't make it."

Raphael swallowed. "Don't say that Mike… Of course you're goin' ta be fine…"

"It's burning and freezing…" Mikey's voice became faint and stifled, sinking into another deeper and darker slumber. Raph saw his lips moving but he could not make of what Mike was trying to say anymore.

Now he was alone.

-End of chapter two.


	3. Chapter 3: Fear and Raffaello

**The Trial of the Lost**

Hello, this is the author. I have a lot of free times lately, so I can almost upload on a daily basis. (Almost!) Besides, I want to keep writing while I'm still quite enthusiastic about this project. And...I tend to explore more on the inner struggle of a character... it's kind of my stuff. Hope it's not too dark for readers (but come on it's SANW what do you expect)! And hope you enjoy!

-Based on the universe of 2003 TV series episode "Same as it never was".

-Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Fear and Raffaello**

_Once somebody said that anger is a demon in disguise. You try to mask it with emotions and all kinds of reason, fine. But it's not going to work. Deep down inside you know it's nothing but a lie. Anger is a demon—and it's you. No matter how you want to convince yourself that something pisses you off and you're only defending yourself by overloading your body with rage, it's not true. No excuse for anger, sorry. You have to know. Don't whine when there's something in life that you cannot control._

_Ha, I wish I could buy this crap. Truth is, I totally think it's logical and all. Yeah. But what happens after you believe that you are the demon that's causing everybody and yourself trouble? Nothing. So, you admit it, but that changes nothing._

_I don't think I gained any wisdom after Don left. Well, some people always say that life is an adventure or a lesson or something. And you should always learn the lessons in life. But what's the point of Don's leaving us? There's no lesson in this one. It had taught us nothing but pain. So yeah, pain is something we should learn right? It just hurt you, and get worse, and worse and worse and I don't see why it's necessary._

_I know I'm not thinking things through, again, ha. Well, wise people always come up with some sort of explanation. They sure have an answer or two why God had done something so horrible to us. Karma or sins or something like that, whatever. It's endless. Why do they have to be so wise and walk around telling everybody what is right to think and what is not? I just can't stand them. They always have to prove something. That sickens me. Really._

* * *

He knew he was close to the lair. He had to go there and…. He had to know whether Master Splinter was alive.

He also knew that Mikey's condition was critical. He had to bring the antibiotic back to that warehouse right now and make Mikey better.

But he had to go to the lair… to _see_…

Leonardo climbed down into the sewer. After taking out a new flashlight April bought for them from one of the bags, he put the bags down against the wall.

He knew the way to the lair too well. It was not far. He trod carefully, slowly pulled out one katana without a sound. After two or three turns, he would know what happened after they left this place last night. Although he moved as steady and as quiet as possible, his heart was pounding fast in his chest; in fact, it's banging in his chest—if someone stood right beside him, he'd hear it. He felt thirsty and licked his lips; they felt like coarse paper.

_Raph's probably right, _he thought_, it was my fault. Why had I made such a decision? But there's no time to think… I only did what I have to do. Besides, it's Sensei's order. __**But maybe**__…just maybe, it doesn't have to be that way…_

Leo shook his head, waving these thoughts aside as he clenched his fist. D_oesn't matter anymore. What matters is what I'm about going to see._ He had thought there might be Foot Ninjas guarding the place, waiting for them to return. _What if Master Splinter is still alive, but was captured?_ He jumped a little as he thought about the possibility. And he found that he would be glad if it's so… _As long as he's alive, there's chance._

He approached the damaged section outside the lair where explosions took place last night. His mind suddenly filled with images of yesterday: _Raph's reproachful glare at him when they ran through this tunnel. The look on Mikey's face when an invisible Foottechninja seized him from behind while a legionbot slit his forearm with sword. A brick hitting Raph on his face leaving his cheek scarred and bloody. Master Splinter…_

Leonardo found himself staring into the darkness of the lair. It was completely still.

_I have to turn the flashlight on_, he thought. _But if there were enemy, they'd see me._

He hesitated, and then made up his mind. Holding his katana in his left hand and the flashlight in the other, he stepped into their home determinedly.

Turning the flashlight on, he saw there were remains of the destroyed robots everywhere on the floor, and no sign of enemies. Nonetheless, he had better remain alert.

He turned the flashlight around, searching for any clues, any trail that might lead him to an answer.

The lair now looked nothing like home. Fragments of furniture, book pages, and fractured robots were scattered everywhere. As a result of explosions, there were traces of rampant fire as well.

He grew more and more uneasy as he gradually started to recognize things he was so familiar with until yesterday. The remains of their sofa, the coffee table, Raph's punching bag that now looked like burned pillowcase, the bookshelf that Splinter's book of Renaissance art used to rest on, and Donnie's desk.

Leo halted, dropping his katana to his side. _We never touch his stuff after he's gone. We never want to remove things in his workshop or his room. Because we still think it is possible that he'll come home one day. But now even if he did come back, he wouldn't find our home again, and…_

He suddenly noticed that there was something leaning against the desk. He took a few steps forward; his eyes narrowed. It was a thin figure, a person. It was still and lifeless and strange and familiar…

His katana dropped down to the ground, creating a noise. But he did not care about stealth anymore as he rushed to the side of the motionless body.

Leonardo found the trail he was looking for, and the answer was way too obvious.

* * *

Raphael was sitting by the door of the warehouse. He had moved himself and Mikey here, because he wanted to catch the first sight of Leo when he returns. It had been over an hour and a half now. It shouldn't take Leo that long. _He's the mighty Fearless for chrissake._

The wind that blew through the door was chilly but soothing. Raph liked the sound of the wind. Somehow it was reassuring; it reminded him that he was not so quite alone.

Normally he would embrace solitude with gratitude. Isolation was never an enemy to Raphael—however, it used to be when he was little; often would he feel that he's quite different from his brothers, and it made him angry. It probably started with the fact that his name does not end with "o". He had wondered why he was not named "Raffaello", it's Italian, and his name would fit in with his brothers' quite easily. But of course, name wasn't the only reason why he sometimes felt like an outsider. There was his rebelliousness, and he longed for being alone. From time to time he would go topside by himself and enjoy a very free and good time just running on the roof or smashing two or three punks.

Now it's a different situation. Mikey was burning up in his arms. He was silent and weak and it made Raph feel alone. He feared that he might lose Mike before Leo came back. _Why does it take him so long? What's he doin'? Did somebody attack him?_

For the first time in his life, Raphael felt helpless. Completely helpless. Mikey's life was at stake. Why should it have to be Mikey, the guy who always bragged about how fast and agile he is and the Battle Nexus Champion? Why wasn't it Leo or him? He was willing to do anything to trade for Mikey's life. _Why am I still sitting here waiting for that bastard to return?_ He should probably just call a vet or something, and if that guy weren't trustworthy, he would kill him after he save Mikey. _Yes, that's what I'm gonna do_. _Killll him._ He smiled at the thought of threatening the vet. But as he looked down at Mikey whose mind was still trapped in a very long nightmare, the smile disappeared from his face immediately.

His mouth felt so dry, so dry that he thought his throat was burning. _Ok, no Leo. At least I can sneak into some guy's kitchen and grab a bottle of water._ _Mikey needs water, too. For chrissake he bled so much!_ The more he thought about Leo wandering outside not helping, the more he felt that unseen wriggling movement inside his body growing. _Told 'im I would go. Though my leg's sprained I'm still faster than him. All right. This is the end of it. I'm going._

He looked down at Mikey again. "Hey bro," he said, his voice a lot more hoarse than usual resulting from weakness and tiredness. "I'm gonna bring you back some food and medicine okay?" Of course Mikey couldn't hear him, but he thought he better keep talking to him as if he could hear. "Won't be gone too long." He started to stretch his leg, but stopped and hesitated for a moment. The thought of leaving Mikey unconscious and alone in an old warehouse put a stop to realizing his decision. _Nobody will come in here. …But what if someone did?_ He thought painfully, overwhelming by helplessness again.

_I hate this. I don't have to take it. I can run away like I always do, like a coward; if I die I won't care. I won't care. Just let me die. Let them find me, and I'll fight them to death. But it's not my life that matters… it's Mikey's, and I have no right to run away from him. Not now. It's not fair. Why does it have to be Mikey, and Donnie? And Master Splinter… They didn't do anything wrong. If it's me I'd understand, I know I'm a jerk sometimes, I disobeyed Sensei, and Leo, and I always hurt my brothers, always causing troubles. Why am I not the one that has to suffer? I deserve to be punished. I so deserve it. Why isn't it me?_

The wriggling movement in his stomach became wildfire that spread through his limbs quickly. He trembled in rage. He felt even angrier when he realized he's doing it again.

**_Anger results from the lack of balance, Raphael._**

_I lost the balance, Sensei. I know it's wrong but I have no control over myself._ He could hear Splinter saying to him from a distance, _be patient Raphael… Leonardo will come back. You must wait. You must stay with Michelangelo. Your brothers need you here._

_But how do I know?_ _What if he's too late? What if Mikey…_

And then the second thing he knew, he was dragging his lame leg across the warehouse. His hands searching, picking up any trash in this damn place and throwing them down the floor, smashing them into pieces. He bellowed like a wounded animal, _he was a wounded animal._ A part of him was crying in silence, telling him to stop, but the other side of him, the beast, _the demon_, won. He just couldn't stop. He stumbled and fell. _Are you scared?_ The demon remarked, smiling viciously. _Are you afraid? What are you afraid of? …hmmm, are you afraid that Mikey's going to die? Are you scared because he's going to die and you can do nothing to help him? Are you scared because Splinter is dead and Leonardo is not coming back? Are you afraid because you are weak and powerless? Are you afraid of me? Oh, please, admit it, Raphie. You see, I'm your friend! I can help you. Forget about your brothers. You are stuck here because of them. You are strong because you are alone… Don't you like being alone? Alone with me… What? ...You say you don't like it? Then you are a coward, 'cause you are afraid… Admit it… I'd like to hear you admit it…_

"No." He roared, barely recognized his voice; it sounded so… angry and lost. "I'm not going to say it. I'm not afraid. I'm not a coward!"

_But you cannot help your little brother… and he's going to die… like Splinter…_

"No he's not." He said out loud. "Mikey's not going to die."

_Well, you're only saying that to convince yourself…_

"Get out of my MIND!"

_That's not possible… I'm you. I am Raphael…_

"Shut the fuck up!" He yelled and punched the wall, hurting his fist; a cruel satisfaction rose from the pain. He struck the wall again and again until his fists were numb and then he collapsed on the floor with tears rolling down his cheeks.

* * *

He is dead. Master Splinter is dead.

He couldn't believe his eyes. Yet it was all too real—the uncomfortable silence around him and in the air, and the cold body in his arms—it was real.

For a while, Leonarno was too stunned to move or think. And then the stream of his thoughts started to flow again. _What have I done? _He bit his lower lip. _Why had I left him? I know he wanted to protect us but…_

_I failed you._ He looked down at his father, who taught him how to be a ninja and entrusted him with being his brothers' leader. _You taught us everything; you gave us everything you had; yet this is what I give you in return. Failing you at the time you need me the most._

Looking at Splinter, he found himself unable to cry. He felt regret, anger, and the thirst for revenge. He placed a trembling hand on his father's eyes and closed them. He bit his lips harder until he tasted blood. He tried to hold back the emotions welling up inside his body. _Calm down Leonardo. Think. What do you have to do?_

_I have to take him back. Have to bury him in a proper place. And Mikey. I have to go back to the warehouse. Now._

He took up the remains of Raph's punching bag, and wrapped Splinter in it. He should have found something better, but there wasn't enough time. He held Splinter in his arms and turned around to pick up his katana on the floor…

"I knew you would come, Leonardo." A voice said.

The place was suddenly filled with light. And Leonardo saw her. There she was, with one foot stepping on his sword.

Rage blurred his vision as he hissed at the person standing before him.

"Karai."

—End of chapter three.


	4. Chapter 4: What's Your Heart Telling You

**The Trial of the Lost**

Hello, I'm back! I want to thank **dondena**, for you are a faithful reader and reviewer. There aren't many reviews, but it's happy to know there are some readers! And this certainly encourages me to keep on writing.

Hope you continue to read and enjoy my stories!

-Based on/inspired by 2003 TV series episode "Same as it never was".

-Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

* * *

**Chapter Four: "What Is Your Heart Telling You?"**

_When I was, like, eight or nine years old, my brothers had always taunted me about being so obedient to Master Splinter all the time. They were eager to go topside, to explore and to have their own ways. Of course I was curious about the world outside the lair, but I wouldn't go as far as sneaking out or rebel against Sensei's orders. It was not because I dare not disobey our father, but because I understood something they could not comprehend then. I had a feeling even when I was young… I felt that Master Splinter was different, different from the people talking on TV, and from us._

_I felt that he knew things and the ways of things, the ways of the world. I felt that his knowledge was profound and far beyond our apprehension. And it was not that kind of knowledge the young Donatello was already too familiar with. It was the wisdom of life, the mastery of combining one's body and soul. It was the philosophy that one must learn to live in harmony, regardless of different environments and conditions._

_I tried to learn from Master Splinter as much as I could. There were times that lessons came too early, and my heart was unprepared. But I always did my best. I thought it was our responsibility to know more about ourselves. So we could always be in control, and we could always tell our hearts what to do._

_However, Master Splinter told me one day that my heart was lost. It was about six months after Don went missing. "My son," I remember he said to me softly and sadly, "you have forgotten about your goal. You no longer desire the mastery of your own self. You no longer wish to ascend to a higher spiritual level." He looked at me closely. "You heart has gone astray, my son. And I cannot help you, unless you help yourself first. What is it that you really want? What is your heart telling you? Have you listened?"_

_I did not know what I wanted at the moment. Nothing seemed right. I couldn't look at my brothers in their eyes. I could not face them, because I knew I had not been myself._

_But now I know. I know exactly now what I wanted and what I needed. I needed to hear someone say it to me. Someone had to say to me and look me into the eyes. __**It was not your fault that Don was missing and you could not keep your family together. Do not blame yourself.**__ And that was all I needed._

_I realize now I have always been wrong. I've been wrong about our training, my meditation session, and even myself. We train our mind not because it needs to be under control. Life is never something we can control. We meditate because we need to listen to our heart. We need to be aware of the present moment. Awareness alone makes a big difference._

_And I wonder, if I was aware of what was happening around me before things fell apart, would I be able to save my father and my brothers?_

* * *

There were Karai legions, over twenty of them.

_How can I get out of here alive? And with Master Splinter's body? Think. Think. Think!_

Leo's grasp on his katana tightened.

Standing just a few feet from him, Karai looked inscrutable and expressionless. And, as he expected, she raised a hand to mid-air.

"Legions, attack!"

Leo cursed in his mind for being so reckless as he swept his sword through two approaching Karai bots. What was he thinking? Heading straight into a trap? And alone, no less? This was screwed up. But he couldn't leave Master Splinter here, not in their empty home and with their enemy.

Leo moved as swiftly as he could towards the shattered wall, the way he came in; but as his opponents, robots that possessed inexhaustible energy once charged, coming from almost every direction, he fought with great effort, feeling weary already.

Karai kept her distance from the battle and watched closely at Leonardo's movements. He was a lot slower than usual, and his eyes were unable to follow his opponents' moves. It was not long before his shoulder received a blow. He stepped backwards uncontrollably, almost falling to the ground.

Karai bent down and picked Leo's other katana up. She looked at the weapon, her expression becoming hesitant. And she sighed.

"Legions, … stop!"

Leonardo pushed the robot in front of him aside with his katana. Panting, he looked up in confusion.

"Legions," Karai ordered, dropping her head to her chest, "let him go."

Leonardo tightened his grip on Splinter. "What is this for?" he yelled, his eyes glinting, staring closely at her. "Don't you want to fight me, Karai? Face me!"

Karai looked away, avoiding his gaze. "Go quickly, Leonardo. This is not the kind of task I should be doing. I will pretend I have not seen you."

"Don't show me mercy, Karai." Leo grunted through his teeth.

"This is not mercy." Karai said rather softly. "This is for a dutiful son who has to take his lamented father out of harms way."

"You killed my father and destroyed our home, Karai. Your father and you have harmed many innocent people." Leonardo said coldly. "Do you even care?"

Karai hesitated, her mind struggling. She finally met his eyes, and said under her breath, "I'm only doing what I have to do.

"And, yes Leonardo. I do care. Now go. Do not make it harder than it already is."

Leonardo still looked fixedly at her. He saw the truth and her exertion.

"So you are not completely without honor." He mumbled, and then said in a higher voice, "Leave the Shredder when you still have a chance, Karai."

Karai smiled painfully. "I'm afraid I do not have the chance to choose, Leonardo. He is my father. And it is to him I devoted my loyalty." And she turned her back to him. "Go, Leonardo."

Leo heaved a sigh and turned away. He raised the sword, making his way towards an exit. He never looked back again.

* * *

This must be a dream.

It must be a dream, for he was a grumpy eight-year-old again, lying on his side in a corner of the shower, sulking over some trivial matters. In the old lair, the one that was later destroyed by the infamous Mousers, young Raph preferred to hide in the shower enclosure when he was gloomy, as they didn't have another secluded space in their home.

Well, he couldn't recall what happened. Maybe it's because the cause of his temper tantrum was not even important at all. That happens. Sometimes he was only angry for angry's sake. And he liked to pretend he enjoy being alone before it actually became prominent truth during his teens. At least he was sure that he didn't want to face Sensei and Leo. The last thing he needed was to hear them lecture.

It must be late spring or early winter, because the cold of the shower's floor was almost unbearable. But he was insistent. He must stay there, and he didn't know why.

He could hear faintly the sounds coming from the dining room. "Where's Raph?" he heard Leo, "He's sour again, isn't he?" "Well then, he must be in the shower." Donnie said.

"Go fetch your brother, we are about to have supper." Master Splinter said.

"We can start without him, Sensei." Leo suggested.

"I'm not hungry. I can wait for him." Donnie said. Raph could easily picture his always-cool brother sitting down next to the dinner table and pulling out one big shell of a book.

But he did not hear Mikey. _Where's Mikey?_

"Raph?" a little, husky voice whispered outside the curtain of the shower.

Raphael continued to stare at the concrete wall, ignoring the voice.

"Raphie?" Mikey asked, "Are you in there?"

"Go away, Michelangelo." He heard himself say.

"Why don't you want to come with us?" Mikey asked, "I thought you like to play the game Donnie invented the other day."

"Leo's bossy." Raph pouted petulantly, but deep inside he knew it was he, Raph, who broke the rules in the first place.

"I know." Mikey said. Good thing about Mikey, he never pointed Raph's fault out, not when Raph was cranky. "This place is so cold. Why do you even like to stay here?"

"I don't know. Will you go away, Mikey?"

"Not until you come out."

"You can start eating without me. I don't care." He said loudly.

"Can I come in?"

"No, I said… go away!"

But the next second Mikey was already in the shower with him.

"If you don't come and eat with us, I'll turn the cold water on." His younger brother smiled innocently, reaching for the faucet.

"Don't you dare…" Raph sprang to his feet.

But it was too late; they were soaking wet, and shivering in the shower of freezing cold water.

"_Ohhhhhh_…Mikey, I _swear_ I'm gonna kill you!"

"I warned ya." Mikey laughed. "Now catch me if you can." And then the little one rushed out of the bathroom. Raph turned off the water and chased after him.

But their feet were wet. When Raph ran through the door of bathroom, he heard a loud _bang_. As he turned to the next corner, he saw Mikey lying on the floor with his face down. Mikey had slipped.

"You idiot!" He jeered at his brother. "It's slippery!"

But then he noticed there was blood on the floor.

He came quickly to Mikey's side. There was a wound on the Mikey's right temple, and it was bleeding freely.

"Mikey!" Raph cried, too shocked to move, "_Master Splinter!_ Leo? Donnie? Help! Mikey's _bleeding_!"

"What is going on?" He heard footsteps and the voice of their father.

Before anyone came to their rescue, he looked down one more time and saw Mikey holding back his tears and trying to give him a cheering smile.

o-o-o

Later that night, when Raph thought everyone else was asleep, he sneaked out of his bed and climbed into Mikey's bunk.

He sat there and stared at Mikey's bandaged head. _It was a disaster._ He should have be more careful, he should have tell Mikey, he…

"Raph?" Mikey whispered.

"Mike?" Raph asked. "You are not asleep?"

"No, I heard you."

"Sorry to wake you up, bro." Raph said, head down. "And I'm sorry…for…"

"It's my fault." Mikey sighed.

"No, you…you were only trying to cheer me up." Raph said, trying to keep his voice low but failed.

"It's okay. You don't have to say sorry."

"So…you're not mad at me?"

"Not at all." Mikey smiled.

* * *

He woke up, cold sweat streaming down his neck.

Hours had passed. He was in a dark place, a very dark place. The warehouse. His heart was screaming something about his brother…His youngest brother.

"Mikey." Raphael spoke softly.

He stumbled his way back to his brother. When his hand found Michelangelo, he let out a sigh of relief. Mikey was still alive. _How long did I fall asleep? … I remember I got angry again… And then…_

But it's okay now. Mikey found him and brought him back, in his dreams.

_I'll guard you now. I'll protect you from any harm._ Raphael thought to himself. He sat down against the wall with Mikey's head resting on his lap, and started to wait for the dawn.

* * *

_I must have passed out._

Leonardo found himself lying in the corner of an alley; it was a dead end. Fortunately he hadn't lost anything; three bags of supplies sat quietly by his side, and he had something firmly locked in his arms.

_Father_, he thought, eyes narrowed.

His left shoulder throbbed painfully; he turned and saw there was blood all over it. The stab was deep but not fatal. _I've lost too much blood. That must be the reason why I had lost conscious._

He lifted his gaze, and saw unexpectedly that the sun was about to come up. The city was still quite dark, but he knew that little time had left. He must return to the warehouse before the city fully awoke.

He inhaled deeply. _Now I will return to my brothers' side safely. This is a task I cannot afford to fail._

He gathered the bags and left the alleyway.

o-o-o

Shortly after Leonardo disappeared from the alley, a man in back, tight outfit emerged.

"This is N98 from ninth squad. Target is on the move. …No, he is not aware of my presence. …I'll follow him. …_Yes, Mistress Karai._ _I will find their hiding place for you._"

And then the man sneered.

—End of chapter four.


	5. Chapter 5: Tactic

**THE TRIAL OF THE LOST**

Thank you for reading this chapter. And thank you **dondena** and **EmoPrivateLuv** for your review. I'm starting to get busy because of school and stuff, so I probably won't have much spare time. But I'll keep writing.

-Based on/inspired by 2003 TV series episode "Same as it never was".

-Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (Quote Dr. Sheldon Cooper from 'the Big Bang Theory': _If I could, I should. But I can't, so I shan't.)_

* * *

**Chapter Five: Tactic**

"Mistress Karai."

She heard the voice of the Foot ninja she had sent after Leonardo. He was reporting again.

"He went into an abandoned warehouse, Mistress Karai." The man whispered from the other side of the line.

"Send your location signal over here, N98." She said.

"Immediately, Mistress Karai." And then it was silent for a moment.

Karai sighed, frowning. She had wished that this whole incident could be avoided. She had wished that Leonardo would not come back at all. But now, since everything had already taken place, she must put an end to this.

The turtles were never her enemy—no, the turtles were _always_ honorable and _worthy enemy_. She had to fight them due to her position and according to the loyalty to her father. She helped them before, and they helped her, too. She respected them. It would be great if they weren't enemy, but it was childish and useless to even think about that. However, Leonardo might consider about it, she thought. She had figured it out that Leonardo wanted to see the goodness in her, whatever that is. She smirked at that thought. He's right that she wasn't completely without honor, but that doesn't mean she would leave this matter unfinished. She would give him a little break, and then _strike hard._

_But_ she probably, just **_probably_** _and_ _secretly,_ wished they would make it out all right this time?

* * *

Raph heard a crack on the front gate outside the warehouse, and he sat up straight instantly._ It's him._

He stood up, unsheathing his sai as he leaning forward to peep from the slightly ajar wooden door. The sunlight outside was of deep gold, too bright for a late autumn morning. Too bright for a future without hope.

There was a bulky man in ragged clothes slowly approaching. _Wait. The man did not have his pants on._ Raph narrowed his right eye—now he's sure his left one's not working anymore—and snickered.

The eldest turtle staggered toward the door; seeing Raph standing beside it, he smirked back.

Raph stared at his brother, noticing his left shoulder was covered in dark-reddish brown.

Leo stepped inside, setting the bags he had carried down against the wall. And he turned to face his brother, eyes questioning.

Raph looked away, avoiding Leo's gaze. He wanted to grab him by his coat and yell at his face. _Why are you so late_ and _do you even care about Mikey_ and _where the hell have you been_ and _HOW THE HELL DIDJA GET HURT?_

But he did none of these. A lump suddenly stuck in his throat, and he could only utter:

"...Man, am I glad to see you back." And then he looked up, stiffly managing to press his lips into what could be called an _amiable_ smile.

Leonardo gazed at his brother in astonishment.

"What? Any problem?" Raph snorted, but a smirk lingered on his face.

"No." Leo said, smiling weakly. "I'm glad to see you, too. Just can't believe this night is over."

"…ain't it the longest night ever."

_Tell me about it_, Leonardo thought to himself. He opened his mouth, trying to tell Raph that he had been to the lair, and _Master Splinter was_… but he hesitated, deciding not to tell him at this time. He could imagine Raph's reaction, and it was the last thing they needed now. He turned his face away from the corner where he had gently laid their father down. He thought tears would start to well up his eyes, but they did not. He only felt dry and coarse.

"What?" Raph's voice pulled him back to reality.

"How's Mikey?" He asked, sitting down by his still-unconscious brother.

"Still feverish, an' he hasn't woken up since last night. I think he's a bit delusional. Ya got a first-aid kit in there? And antibiotics?" Raph said.

"Of course." Leo reached for the bags and found what he needed. And he also took two bottles of water and some canned fish and beans out.

"Want some?" he grinned tiredly.

O-O-O

After the two elder turtles stuffed their stomachs with food and water, the blue-banded one brought the first-aid kit to Mikey's side.

"It's probably too late to clean it and disinfect it, but we still have to do it." Leo said.

"Ya also think it's infection that's causin' him fever and all this?"

"I guess so." Leo frowned. "Look at his arm here, it's swollen and inflamed and…"

There was a brief pause of silence, as the two of them glanced at each other in an uneasy and troubled manner.

"What are we gonna do?"

Leo thought for a moment. "We'll disinfect it first."

"And then we give him some antibiotics?"

O-O-O

They tried to tend Mikey's wound. It was an unpleasant job, because it just reminded them how bad the situation was. They made Mikey take the medicine and forced some water into his system, hoping it would help a little. They also tried in vain to wake him up.

"Alright," Leo sighed and collapsed beside Raph. "I think we have done everything we could. Now just wait and see if he's getting better."

Raph stared at his younger brother, his functioning eye full of concern. Leonardo glanced at Raph; it appeared that he was clearly thinking hard about something and was holding his question back. Leo took a deep breath.

"OK, Raph. Ask me whatever ya want."

Raph's fist clenched, his eyes closed for a moment. "All right Fearless One, so… where have ya been? Why did it take ya so long?" He tried to sound as casual as possible, but the quiver in his voice betrayed him and indicated the bitterness and accusation in his tone.

_I won't tell him I've been to the lair and Sensei's dead._ Leo frowned, "Some Foot Ninja ambushed me, and I blacked out for a while. That's all."

"Where were these Foot Ninjas?" Raph questioned, apparently not buying Leo's explanation. "And how come they injured ya? They were… let's just say _incompetent._"

"There were those Karai Legions." Leo said; that was true.

"Shouldn't ya be _stealthy_ enough for them to _not_ find ya?" Raph asked sarcastically.

"I was…not in my best shape, Raph." Leo said feebly. If Raph's gonna keep investigating like this, he feared that he would no longer be able to keep the secret.

"I know, I know. But I just find it hard ta believe it took ya a whole night just ta get us some _groceries_." Raph was still looking closely at him.

"Let it drop, okay? We got bigger problems, Raph." Leo retorted.

"Sure. The biggest issue we have now is I kinda find it hard ta trust my big brother, 'cause I think he's hiding somethin'. What da you say Leo?"

"I said, give it a rest, _Raphael._"

"After ya give me a good reason, _LEONARDO._"

Leo noticed that it was now impossible for him to hold back his impatience toward his brother. Raphael always did that, provoking him, irritating him, questioning him…

"_Shut up, Ra…_" He snapped but stopped all of a sudden as he heard a faint noise coming from outside.

"What? I—" Raph was all tensed up and about to shout at him, but Leo covered his mouth and shot him a warning glance.

"_Listen._" Leo whispered.

Now Raph heard it, too.

_"__Did someone follow ya here?_" He hissed, his good eye burning with rage.

"It appears… _yes._" Leo sighed heavily. _Karai had been lying. That… woman. GREAT._

"Geez, you're unbelievable!" Raph grunted through his teeth.

"Quiet! I need to come up with a plan, Raph." Leo pushed his enraged brother aside. "Get Mikey."

"I hope you're _in shape_ for a plan, Fearless Leader." Raph remarked in a bitter, low voice, as he bent down to pick Mikey up.

"Oh shut up, Raph." Leo snapped back. _They're coming, and Raph's just making things more complicated._

"Too bad we ain't human. If we're normal people we could just call the police or somethin'." Raph murmured.

Leo was about to hiss at Raph again, when something crossed his mind.

_The police._

"Thanks Raph." Leo said in a surprised voice. And though it was faint, a smile accompanied by a little hope slightly lightened up his tired features.

* * *

They were well hidden behind the abandoned truck outside the warehouse.

"We saw the two of them, Mistress Karai."

"Good, where is the third one?"

"We haven't seen it. It's assumed to be inside the warehouse all the time. I remember from the report of our last battle, one of them was severely wounded."

"Very well-done. You will be rewarded, N98." Karai said motionlessly.

"Thank you, Mistress." The black-clad man whispered gratefully, disappearing from Karai's side.

"Ninja, prepare to enter." Karai commanded to the rest of men in tight black suit. "Eighth squad from behind, ninth squad from the front, and seventh squad with me, from the roof." As she spoke, two groups of men hurriedly rushed towards the warehouse without a sound.

"Seventh squad, come with me." Karai took the lead and ran to the side of the building, starting to climb the ladder leading to the rooftop. "Ninja, wait for my signal to enter." The men behind her nodded silently.

There were two black windows opened to the sky on the top of the building. Karai quietly lifted one open and looked down inside, but saw nothing. Inside the building was still, and dark.

"They must be here." She thought to herself. N98 clearly saw Leonardo went in there. She stepped back, motioned the ninjas behind her to enter. The men brought the ropes to the window.

She saw from the roof that other two squads were also ready to go. She raised one arm and they noticed her, pulling out their weapons as the sound of siren piercing through cold morning air.

**_The sound of siren._**

Karai turned and looked down from the roof. Police cars, thankfully only two of them, were approaching. Maybe they were heading for somewhere else. _Wait. No._

"Seventh squad, continue to enter." She whispered, and raised the other arm, motioning the other two squads to retreat. Hopefully they would drive the attention away, so she could focus on the task at hand. The turtles.

"_Freeze!_" The sound came from the speaker on one of the police car. "Drop your weapons!" Climbing into the building, Karai couldn't see what's going on outside now, but the ninjas out there were still on the move for there was a sound of gunfire; and she could not have cared less.

O-O-O

Leonardo carefully took out two smoke bombs from his waist pocket, waiting for the Foot ninjas. Once they were close enough, he would block their view and covered Raph and Mikey until they got out safely. He counted the number of their enemy. Five, …no, there were seven Foot ninjas. He took a mental note of the positions of them. Holding his one and now only katana in his left hand, he tossed the smoke bomb toward the Foot ninjas who had no idea he was only a few feet away from them.

"_Go now, Raph._" He whispered to his brother who had been hiding behind a pile of boxes. The next second, he threw himself into the grayness of the smoke. Wielding the sword, he took out the first ninja by slicing through his side, the next one by jabbing the throat; the third ninja was quick enough to evade his attack, so he swiftly turned to the fourth one. He bent one knee and swung the other, causing the fourth ninja fell off balance, his katana awaited for the fall.

Now there left only four of them. He went back to the third ninja, the one with the speed. Carefully keeping the distance, he refrained from striking out a blow. He knew his enemy couldn't see him in the smoke, but could somehow sense his presence. Hearing a noise from his left, Leonardo quickly backed off; however, he took a step forward immediately and successfully struck the man in his head.

On the other hand, Raph, with Mikey on his shell and a grocery bag in one arm, hobbled towards the back door through the heavy smoke. He knew the police strategy was working, so the force of their enemy was somehow reduced; but still, they were not fit to fight right now. Normally Raph would scold this kind of thought, but today, with Mikey's life at stake, he could not think about anything else but bringing Mikey to some place safe even it means that he must avoid any fight.

"Shell." He mumbled when a shadow emerged in front of him. _These dirtbags aren't supposed ta see. Sure. Some o' them got some heat-sensor goggles or whatever that is. Donnie used to make this kind of gadgets for us._

"A'right, ya wanna fight? No problemo." He snorted, drawing one sai from his belt. The shadow slowly approached while he narrowed his good eye, trying to determine the distance between he and the Foot ninja. As he contracted the muscle on his right arm and prepared to attack, another shadow sprang out behind the first one, knocking it down.

"Go, Raph! We don't have much time." It was Leo; his voice filled with anxiety.

"Right. But this time don't play '_ditch yer brotha_' shit with me." Raph snarled at the vague figure. "We ain't goin' without ya."

"I'm coming." Leo returned.

Raph kept his limping legs busy, moving towards the exit. This scene was so familiar and eerie like _déjà vu_. It was just like the fight back in the _lair_. _Sensei said he would catch up with us. He told us to run. Leo told us to run._ He found his legs trembling; the pain traveling down his thigh was slowing him down. Fortunate enough, he was finally at the door.

"_LEO!_" He shouted into the smoke behind him.

"_Just go_ Raph. I'll catch up with you." He heard Leo shout back, _eerie,_ and another voice cried, "_Don't let them get away!_"

"Geez, this day just keeps gettin' better an' better." He muttered to himself as he pushed the door open, only to discover one of the police wagons was still out there, parking outside the front gate. _Greatest plan ever Leo. Now we have police on our side! Ain't it good? Wanna offer some help to greenish little freaky men?..._

He blinked again, and suddenly realized _the car was __**empty.**_

_Alright._

-End of chapter five.


	6. Chapter 6: Forgive You

**THE TRIAL OF THE LOST**

This chapter is all about Leo and Raph. And it's a long chapter. Hope you enjoy!

-Based on/inspired by 2003 TV series episode "Same as it never was".

-Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

* * *

**Chapter Six: Forgive You**

_*(Five years ago)*_

_"__Come on, Raph." Leo hollered, challenging. "Your feet are __**much too slow.**__"_

_Raph's left eye flickered as Leo uttered the sentence, and he was suddenly tensed up, his teeth clenched._

_"__Back off, Leo." Raph hissed back dangerously._

_They were thirteen, and the four of them were supposed to spar in pairs according to Splinter's training curriculum. But it seemed like Raph just didn't want to do it today. Now they were just facing each other, circling; Raph didn't even have his fists up._

_"__Are you afraid?" Leo taunted him with a smug smile; he knew Raph hated it._

_"__I will pound you to the ground, Leo, but not now." Raph barked, and stopped moving all at once._

_"__What are you doing?" Leo yelled, taking a step forward and grabbing Raph on the shoulder. "We are supposed to spar, Raph! Master Splinter…"_

_"__**Master Splinter Master Splinter**__… do ya ever say anythin' else? You're drivin' me crazy, Leo! And that's why I ain't gonna fight with you." His younger brother shoved him away furiously._

_"__What the shell, Raph?" Leo said angrily._

_"__You're always lecturin' about how we should do stuff… but ya know? I don't think ya really care 'bout us. Ya only care 'bout your achievements. You just want to show you're better than us; you just wanna prove it." Raph shouted at his face. "Ya SELFISH hypocrite."_

_Leo stepped back, staring at Raph in disbelief. He felt his blood racing in the veins. "What?"_

_Raph scowled at him defiantly and grunted, "I said, you're a phony. Ya only care 'bout yourself and how good you are. And yes you are a saint, __**O Fearless One**__, happy?"_

_"__Raph, I can't believe it. You're still angry about last night? It was an accident!" Leo gazed at him wide-eyed. Last night Leo had accidentally swung his sword across Raph's shoulder, and had pointed out it was because Raph's too slow. Later that night when Leo tried to apologize and help him dressing the wound, Raph refused._

_Now Raph growled while smiled viciously, "'m not talking about the accident. You think ya so smart and nice, ain't ya? Well, I don't have ta take your hypocrisy."_

_He pushed Leo away with unexpected great force, causing his brother fell to the ground, and then stormed out of the lair._

_"__Where are you going, Raphael?" Leo heard Master Splinter called behind his hotheaded brother, but Raph had already gone into the darkness of sewer. He heard Donnie and Mikey whispered something about Raph and him. He felt the world crumbling around him as Raph's angry voice echoed in his head. __**Ya selfish hypocrite.**_

* * *

His mind was clear. It was clearer than ever. Suddenly he saw things he never noticed before. His grip on the katana loosened a bit, but it was for the good. He felt his mind had become one with the sword. Now he did not have to worry about Raph and Mikey, so he could fight like he's got nothing to lose. And it was what he had always wanted. Without burden.

He pushed the blade into the abdomen of the ninja he was fighting. As he pulled it out and swung it to the next opponent, warm blood traced down his arm like a greeting friend. He realized just _how much he actually enjoyed this_. The fluid rhythm of the brandishing katana, merging with the pure aim of his will. _Leonardo grinned._

_Is this how Sensei felt after he sent them away?_ He found out that he could do the same thing for his brothers. But was it really because he wanted to save them? Or was it only because he just liked to sacrifice himself? _Interesting. Some say people all have sympathy because if one sees a drowning person, he or she would definitely jump into the river to save that person; however, some say people do such things not due to their sympathetic nature, but because saving this person makes them feel good…_

Was he lost in his thoughts? No, because he still traveled in the gradually eroding smoke like a wind. Aware of the fact that there was only one last enemy standing, he inched toward the person. The other ninja also wielded a single katana, and was aware of his approaching presence as well. Their weapons clashed with one another. Leonardo turned his wrists so their blades were pushed aside, and then lifted his left leg quick enough to kick out at his opponent. The ninja was sent flying and fell flat on the back.

Leonardo fixed his stare on the man who was presently struggling to stand up, and recognized him, no, **her** as the smoke nearly cleared away.

"Karai." He emitted a snort, pointed his katana at her face.

"Go on and finish me." She said inexpressively.

He smirked. "Why should I do that?"

"Vengeance. Avenge your father." She looked at him with a sharp gaze.

"I'd like to do that."

"It's an honorable thing to do." Karai said, narrowing her eyes.

"Yes, it is." He nodded slightly.

She scrutinized his face and found contempt in his eyes.

"I do not regret what I have done." She said calmly.

"You should be." Leonardo said, his eyes burning with confusion, sorrow and hatred. "Goodbye, Karai."

And he turned away.

O-O-O

It was lucky that the cops had not have the time to take the car key with them when they hurriedly got out of the car to chase behind the "ninja gang" Leonardo had reported; both the Foot ninjas and the cops were now nowhere to be seen.

Raphael put Mikey on the shotgun seat and carefully fastened the seat belt for him, and then rushed to the other side of the car. Starting the engine, he turned to glance at Mikey; he felt his heart squeezed by an unseen force as he saw Mikey's head silently drooped to one side. Though he knew Mikey couldn't hear one word, he said out loud in a soft trembling voice. "Hang in there Mikey. We'll get ya to some place safe. Ya know there's nothin' I wouldn't do to keep ya safe. Ya know it right Mikey? Just hang in there. Ya gotta believe in us bro. Ya gotta believe in us." He did not know if he's saying that to his brother or himself. It appeared he needed to hear it just as badly. He hit the gas and the engine roared. With a sharp turn of the wheel, the car lurched towards the warehouse like a mad horse.

O-O-O

They heard a deafening _crash_.

Leo's eyes were temporarily blinded by the sudden daylight. He blinked several times, recognizing a patrol car from the dusty haze and the wreck of the wall. Confused, he held the katana up.

"Hop in Leo!" the dark green mutant stretched his upper body out from the side window of the car.

"What the hell Raph?" Leo yelled at the driver. "It's…this will get us into trouble Raph, they might be able to track it—"

"Whatever Leo. Just get in here!" Raph shouted, waving his hand. "And don't ya think we have already got us into serious trouble?"

Leo shook his head as he ran towards the other wall to pick the grocery bags up from the floor. "You should be more careful though. Is Mikey okay?" He climbed into the back seat and shut the door behind him.

"Yeah he's still the same." Raph replied absentmindedly while hitting the accelerator and pulling the car away from the warehouse towards the road.

"Where are we going?" Leo asked as he adjusted the shotgun seat so Mikey could lie down more comfortably.

"Casey's place." Raph said, eye fixing on the road. "He's gone to the farmhouse and nobody's there. And Shredder and the Purple Dragon never know where exactly he lives." _If they knew, he wouldn't be able to live to this day._

"Yeah right. Dammit. I haven't thought about it. He was with April when they noticed they were being followed. So…his apartment was safe."

"Yeah."

Silence.

"Ya took 'em all down?" Raph asked.

"What? ...Oh, yeah."

"Did ya get hurt or anythin'?"

"No. I'm fine."

"Good." Raph said flatly.

A pause. And then Leo broke the silence.

"You should park the car behind that construction site over there. We shouldn't give the police a chance to trace us down."

"Right. Sure."

"Raph." No response. "Raph?"

"…What?"

"Park there."

"Oh, right."

O-O-O

They climbed into Casey's apartment from the fire escape ladder.

The first thing they did was lay Michelangelo down on Casey's double bed, and then Raph went into the bathroom to fetch some clean towels while Leo busied himself with organizing the supplies they got.

Casey's apartment was spacious with little furniture in it; there was only one big room combining bedroom and living room, a bathroom, and a small kitchen.

Raphael sat down beside Mikey on the bed and pressed the wet, cold towel down on Mikey's forehead.

"It'll make ya feel better, I guess." He muttered, unfolding another towel and dipping it into the basin filled with cold water he had brought from the bathroom. He rubbed Mikey's face and arms gently with the other towel, cleaning the blood, dust and dirt accumulated from their previous battle off his body. Mikey's breath was shallower than before, and his left arm was even more swollen. Raph tore off the bandage and inspected the wound.

"_LEO?_" He yelled, voice quivering with nervousness. "_We gotta find a doctor._"

Hearing his brother, Leonardo frowned.

"We couldn't just go to a hospital." He said. "It's broad daylight, and we just barely got ourselves out from that warehouse."

"Leo, I'm not _joking._" Raph said brusquely. "If I didn't know this is serious ya think I'd say somethin' like that?"

"I know how bad it is, Raph."

"We have ta get a doctor now Leo."

Leonardo sighed and headed towards the bed.

"We can't treat it, but a doctor can." Raph said again.

"It's _too_ dangerous." Leo said through clenched teeth.

"He's _dying_." Raph grunted. "An' it isn't supposed ta be like this. We're too late. We should've treated it in da first place Leo. And _guess whose fault was that?_"

"—Without that cop car, we couldn't even make it to here, Raph. We barely—"

"—I don't care. And I don't get what ya tryin' to say, Leo. I say let's find a doctor right now!"

"It's too risky to sneak into a hospital with all the people in there."

Raph stared at him. "We don't have ta barge into a hospital Leo. I know just the right place. There's a small animal clinic in this block." He and Casey often joked about that place when they went to smash some Purple Dragon goons, saying if one day Raph got hurt bad enough, they'd send him there and told the vet he was Casey's giant mutant pet turtle.

"Right." Leo thought for a moment. "But we wait till dark okay?"

"_He's fuckin' dyin' Leo!_" Raph cried.

Leo narrowed his eyes, looking at the younger turtle. "He's not, Raph." He said slowly. "We can't go out now, we'd be risking the lives of us all. And if we're gone who's gonna take care of Mikey? Have you consider _that_?"

"Geez _Leo_." Raph snorted as he rose from the bed, glaring at his elder brother with wild rage in his eye.

They stared at each other like that for seconds, and then Raph went towards the kitchen in furious step.

Leonardo sighed again, sitting down on the bed. He had never felt so weary in his life. He thought about Master Splinter; the old rat now rested in the ragged bag on the couch. He thought they should cremate the body, but now it seemed that they did not have a proper time and place for that. He rubbed his face tiredly. He felt so weak and shattered. With another sigh, he lied down beside Mikey. Within seconds, he fell asleep.

* * *

_*(Five years ago)*_

_He looked into the kitchen._

_"__Hey Raph."_

_Raph glanced up briefly at him. He took a couple of unsure steps forward._

_"__How… is your shoulder?" He tried to ask._

_"__None o' your business." Raph mumbled._

_"__Look, I'm sorry." He said, trying to fix his gaze on his brother whose expression was certainly not welcoming. "I can help you ya know. It's difficult to wrap that bandage around with only one hand."_

_"__And guess who's the reason why I only got one hand now." Raph continued to stare at him coldly._

_"__I said I'm sorry." Leo said as patiently as he could._

_"__Heard it. Accept it? No." Raph said in a low yet clearly audible voice. He looked down at his shoulder, twisting his neck into an uncomfortable angle._

_"__Com' on, lemme help you." Leo approached his brother and picked up the first-aid kit._

_"__Go away!" Raph snorted and stood up. "And give that back!"_

_"__I can help you—"_

_"__I SAID, GIVE IT BACK, AND GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" Raph cried._

_"…__Alright, alright, I was just trying to help." Leo held up his hands frustratingly, and then quietly put the kit down beside his younger brother._

_"__I do NOT need your help." Raph said stiffly._

_"__Okay, Raph." He looked down at the floor. "Just trying to say sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Really."_

_"__Get OUT."_

_"__All right."_

_He turned and trudged out the kitchen when he heard Raph muttered, "not easy to not hurt a retard like me with your impressive skills huh__**.**__"_

_He froze._

* * *

When he woke up, he found the room was already half dark. _Where's Raph? God, is he still angry?_ He swung his feet out of the bed and began striding towards the kitchen.

He looked inside.

"Raphael?"

The red clad turtle was sitting by the kitchen table with his back to Leo, fumbling with Casey's pocketknife. "What?"

"Raph, I want… I wanna apologize—"

Raphael gazed at the window.

"Ya don't have to ya know."

Leo swallowed.

Raph did not look back. "In that warehouse, I don't know what's in your mind, Leo. But ya clearly don't wanna tell me about it. Ya think I wouldn't understand. Fine."

"No, it wasn't because—"

"Then what is it all about?" Raph asked coldly.

"Raph… I…" Leonardo tried to say something, but he searched in vain for the words he needed.

Raph sighed, standing up.

"Never mind."

"But you're still angry, aren't you? Com' on Raph, let it drop."

Raph shrugged, still not looking at him. "Whatever."

"I'll explain later—"

"Yeah, suit yourself, Fearless." And he yawned and walked out of the kitchen. "I'm gonna check on Mikey."

"You're a jerk, Raph, ya know that?"

"I said, suit yourself." Raph turned and smiled at him irritatingly.

Leo watched as his brother slowly stumbled away. He was sick of having to apologize every time. Why can't they set things right? Does it have to be like this? He's so tired. _Isn't Raph tired?_

* * *

_*(Five years ago)*_

_He called him a SELFISH HYPOCRITE._

_He couldn't believe it. Maybe he was so upset because Raph was somehow right? Was he really a phony? He did want to do the right things. Was that intention even wrong? He did not want to make his brother look bad though. Well, maybe sometimes he did want to show he's the better?_

_He had been avoiding Raph the whole afternoon, which was easy because neither did Raph want to see him. Now it's almost bedtime; the lair was dark and Don and Mikey were already in their beds._

_He went towards the TV; there was this documentary program about Japanese culture and bushido he loved. He never missed an episode. He turned the TV on; preparing to sit down on the sofa, then he noticed someone had already occupied the place._

_It was Raph. He's heart sank. But the program was about to start; and he did not want to sit on the cold floor nor want to wake Raph up so he had to endure his resentful glare. Pouting, he slightly lifted Raph's head and squeezed himself into the remaining space on the sofa, Raph's head leaning against his lap. This was actually not that unpleasant, since Raph was still asleep and in his rare peaceful state._

_Once he was absorbed into the world of television, he totally forgot about that unhappy incident. And for a moment he thought the weird noise he heard was the kitchen door cracking. And then he remembered that no one was in the kitchen; Master Splinter was out inspecting sewer tunnels._

_He looked down and saw Raph was looking at him, but the red masked brother turned his eyes away quickly._

_Leo continued to watch his TV. So Raph woke up; now he might consider move out of Leo's sight? But Leo heard that noise again. It came from Raph._

_"__Leo." Was Raph crying?_

_He ignored it._

_"__I'm sorry, Leo."_

_The commercial was on. He wondered about how a bottle of beer's gonna lighten up the mood for you and your friends._

_"__I'm sorry Leo. I shouldn't have said that."_

_Master Splinter wouldn't let them have alcohol even if they were old enough._

_"__I'm sorry bro. Would you forgive me?"_

_Whatever. He was not fascinated by the idea of alcohol._

_"__Leo."_

_So he think a simple sorry's gonna work? Leo thought._

_"__Please. I'm sorry. I'm insane. I said stupid stuff when I'm mad. Ya know that."_

_Yeah, said that every time._

_"__Leo."_

_He bit his lower lip._

_The lair was quiet and the only sounds he could hear were the TV and Raph sobbing._

_"__Alright Raph," he sighed. "I forgive you." He put a hand on Raph's shell, patting him consolingly on his back._

_"…__So we're good?"_

_"__Yeah." He finally looked down and met his brother's gaze. "We're good."_

_He smiled, still feeling hurt inside, but the wound of those angry words was going to heal. Wounds always heal._

* * *

"Let's go, Raph."

Leonardo returned to the bedside and found Raph sitting there, staring at Mikey.

"Finally." Raph grumbled.

Leo paused for a moment and looked at his brothers, and then his eyes lowered. He turned about to look out of the windows. The night out there was cool as usual.

-End of chapter six.

* * *

**A/N: **Yeah. He didn't kill her, he just left like that. I'll explain later! But... wait, I guess you all know what kind of person Leo is.


	7. Chapter 7: Merely Visible

**THE TRIAL OF THE LOST**

**-A/N: **It's been a while since the last chapter. I've been busy, and I'll continue to be busy. But I really enjoy writing so I'll carry on. In this chapter there's gonna be some medical blabber; I researched online but still my territory is liberal arts. I know nothing about medicine!

**First of all** I want to thank the reviewers, dondena and cup-mikey-gertha. And I want to reply to your comments here.

_-To dondena:_ I think Leo and Raph need each other, but it's difficult for them to live with each other after Don and Splinter were no longer around; and they each have their own unresolved issues.

_-To cup-mikey-gertha:_ About Mikey, I'll start writing in his perspective again soon because he's coming back. And about the amputation... I can't say much more but I'll leave the bloodiness out of the story. It will not be so...vivid? The shock will come later. Hope you still find it interesting, though! Oh, and Leo's eyes? I know he wore sunglasses in Same as it Never Was, but I don't think he's blind? So I won't blind him in this story...There's more agony coming though.

**To** say I don't care about the reception of this stories I'd be lying. I know the pace has been kind of heavy and it's my first fan fiction, so it's not easy to keep reading while not losing interest. So thank you readers for you patience and kindness.

**And **in this chapter there will be an OC, not exactly an OC since he was only _temporarily necessary_ for this story. He's not so important and he won't reappear in future chapters.

**-Based on/inspired by** 2003 TV series episode "Same as it never was".

**-Disclaimer:** I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Merely Visible**

_[Humdrum]_

_Enoch Wong was a middle-aged, tired-looking and rather short man. He was not much a loser, but not a hotshot too. The only thing he did that was to be considered as 'good' was he helped animal. No. He did not help them, not without charge. He did not own the clinic, while his two colleagues did. He had to open the clinic in the morning, and lock it up in the night. He had a family, but never paid much attention to his daughters and wife._

_What he cared about was money and his reputation among friends and relatives. Not that anyone cared, though. He wasn't like this when he first aspired to become a vet, but…guess time changes person._

Tonight, a night not much different from any night, Enoch Wong was about to close down the clinic. He just hung up on a phone call and was going to check the 'ward' in which some animals with more serious conditions were to be kept in cages, when he heard some noise from the window facing the fire escape.

"Forget your keys again Jenny?" Thinking maybe the girl who worked part-time at the reception desk had returned to grab her stuff, he asked out loud. But obviously Jenny never came in through the window; the clinic was on the fifth floor of the building.

"_Yer the vet right?_" was what he got in return. He was stunned by the unfamiliar voice and its roughness and sudden closeness. He turned to look toward the direction of the sound, which was over his left shoulder, but saw nothing.

"Hello?" He asked in an unsure tone.

"_Are you a vet? Uh, Mr. W…ong?_" Another voice asked. Obviously they were checking his name printed on his coat, but where were they?

"Who are you?" He was practically shouting.

"_We brought you a patient._"

"Where are you? …Show yourself!" He began to panic, until he remembered the _phone call_.

O-O-O

The turtle, _(the giant mutant freak, thought Wong)_ which wore a blue mask, introduced himself as Leonardo, the eldest brother of other two freaks, while another turtle, the red-masked one, snorted, "He doesn't have ta know our names, idiot."

They brought with them a third turtle, the unconscious, pale (_as pale as a dark-green creature could be_) one they called Mikey. _("Gosh, they talk and say they're brothers. They even got names.")_

The orange-masked turtle got a bad cut on his left forearm; it ran from wrist to elbow, piercing deep through layers of skins and muscles. And it was infected, with the sign of gangrene.

"Could you treat him?" The blue-banded talking freak asked him rather politely (comparing to the red-masked one).

"H…how long has it… _he_ been unconscious?"

"Since last night." The red-banded giant turtle said gloomily.

"We disinfected the wound, and we gave him some antibiotics. But I guess we're too late." Blue freak said.

Enoch Wong looked at the third, orange-banded turtle whose face was still and frozen in the numbness of agony.

"You _are_ too late." Wong said.

The two talking turtles exchanged glances. _("Turtles don't exchange glance with each other, do they?") _The red-masked one snarled.

"Relax, Raph. He hasn't said a word." His brother said, his brow pulling into a frown.

Wong shrugged.

"Now _what_ does _that_ mean?" The turtle named Raphael grunted, grabbed Wong on the shoulder. "You wanna say somethin'? Then fucking _say_ it!"

"_Oaaw!_…let me go you _beast_!" He cried.

"_What are you going to do with his ARM?_" The turtle's beak was an inch from his face, and he could _feel_ its dangerous growl. _They're murderous,_ he thought, his legs starting to shake violently.

"His _a…arm_ needs to be _a…amputated._" He uttered through his chattering teeth.

The red-masked (and _half-blind_, now he noticed) turtle's good eye widened in disbelief.

"No." He shook his head, fists clenching tight. Wong stepped back in fear.

"Raph." The blue-masked one said, approaching the other turtle.

"You couldn't do _that_." The raging turtle hissed.

"I…if the infection keeps worsening and spreading, he…he might not be able to keep the whole arm." Wong tried to explain.

"Can you do it? The operation?" The blue-masked turtle's face was grim, but he asked in a calm voice.

"O…Of course." Wong nodded nervously, "Just…just don't kill me."

"We are not here to threaten your life, Mr. Wong." The calm turtle said. "We're just asking for help."

"_Like hell._" The red-banded turtle grumbled.

"Raph, you're not helping."

"We'll find some _other_ doctors. I don't trust _this guy_ with Mikey's life."

"_We don't have time—_"

"_Oh yeah?_ Whose _fault_ was th—"

"—_Just shut up__**.**_" The eldest turtle took a step toward his sibling, his expression stern and cold.

His brother stared at him and was speechless for a second or two; and then he shrugged.

"_Now ya wanna play the big brother." _Raphael smirked. "_Ya made the rules. First sensei and now Mikey. You're risking everybody's life aren't ya_?" Glaring at Leonardo, he slowly finished his words.

The elder turtle ignored him, turning back to face Wong. "What do you need to perform this operation?"

Enoch Wong looked at him with pale face. "It… _your brothe_r will need blood transfusion after the surgery, so just your blood—"

"Use mine." Raphael interrupted, and then sat down at Mikey's side with his back to the vet and his elder brother.

O-O-O

While Wong set to collect Raph's blood, Leonardo observed the man from the other side of the room.

He did not trust the man either. Something was wrong. He couldn't tell where the notion came from, but somehow the man's gesture and expression were insincere.

But it was their only chance; they could not afford to delay the treatment.

_Or the removal,_ he shivered.

When the vet said that the arm needed to be amputated, he found himself not at all surprised. Maybe he already prepared for the worst to come. Was he already so indifferent to suffering? But it was his little brother they were talking about. Was he already numb because what he had been through? Losing one brother, losing his father, losing an eye, now losing one arm seemed so trivial…

"_I know about brothers_." A voice said. Leonardo turned to see it was that vet, Wong. Suddenly there were only him and the vet in the room; Mikey and Raph had gone.

"_Where _are my brothers?" He asked, alert.

"We sent the wounded into the surgery room." Wong said, smiling nervously and strangely. "Brothers rivalry huh? Me and my brother used to fight all the time…now that we all left home I don't have to see that despicable face again…"

"—Don't say it like you _know_ us." Leonardo said harshly. "You don't know _anything_ about my brother." He stared at Wong for a moment, and went straight out of the room.

Wong stood in the center of the room for a while, making sure the turtle had gone, and then he rushed to the phone on the desk to make a _call._

* * *

Leonardo entered silently the surgery room where Mikey had already been laid on a cold, metal bed, Raph standing by the bedside.

He approached without a sound—not deliberately, but naturally, as years of ninjutsu training had already become his instinct.

Raph did not sense his presence.

Seemingly lost in his thoughts, Raphael's expression was vacant, his often-furrowed brow was now relaxed and his gaze was soft. Leonardo wondered what his hothead brother was thinking about. As he took a step forward to stand by Raph's side, he saw a glistening teardrop rolled down Raph's cheek.

"_How are we goin' to tell him._" Raph uttered in broken voice, aware of Leo's company, but he did not wipe away or try to hide the tears.

Leonardo watched his brothers, guilt rushing over him. He put an arm around Raph's shoulders. He could feel Raph trembling under his touch, but he did not have the courage to meet his gaze or say comforting words. The emotion was overwhelming, and it wasn't something he was used to. It felt surreal.

"_I…_"He opened his mouth, but stopped himself instantly. _Spinter's dead, Raph. Now we're losing Mikey. I don't know how to make it._ A flow of fear and helplessness were welling up inside him, and he suppressed it determinedly. He wanted to tell Raph everything, but knew Raph would not be able to repress an outburst; and their previous arguments hanging in the mid air simply made words harder to pronounce. And he could not afford a breakdown.

All of a sudden Raph jerked away.

Leo started, following Raph's gaze. _It was Mikey._

Mikey _stirred._

"He's awake." Raph gasped.

"Michelangelo?" Leo called his name softly but clearly.

Mikey's eyelids quivered slightly, but he did not open them.

"Mike." Raph leaned forward.

A series of muffled sound came out from Mikey's throat.

"Ya have to say it again, Mike." Raph said gently, though his expression was eager.

"…'m…I?"

Leo put a hand on Mikey's sweaty forehead. Mikey made an attempt to clear his dry throat but ended up coughing hard. After the horrible sound of his coughing finally faded, he tried once more, face contorting with pain.

"…'ere 'm I…?" _Where am I?_

"You're safe Mikey. Don't worry. It will get better." Leo said reassuringly.

"…'urs." _It hurts._

"I know. I know. The pain will soon be gone." Leo said, resting his palm on Mikey's plastron.

"…'ad a bad 'ream." _Had a bad dream._

"You'll be fine, Mikey. It was only a dream. You're safe with us."

"…'know." _I know. _Still not opening his eyes, Mikey managed a smile. The smile was merely visible and recognizable, but it was _there_.

The door slammed shut. Started them both. Leo turned and saw Raph's gone. He sighed, troubled.

"Everything's gonna be okay" Leo said, stroking Mikey's head. "Sleep, okay? Don't worry. We're here. _You'll be fine._" He said it again and again, ignoring the lump in his throat.

O-O-O

"We _fucking_ lied to him."

Leo walked into the corridor after the vet asked him to leave the room. He found Raph standing by the window through which they had come in.

"What else do you expect me to tell him?" Leo said coldly. "That we're going to cut off his forearm?"

"How can ya actin' like ya don't give a damn?" Raph turned and glared at him.

Leonardo disregarded him and walked toward the next room where he could see Wong perform the surgery.

Closing the door behind him, he sighed. He looked around this rather small room, deciding to sit down in a chair in the corner. He could see the surgery room through the big glass on the wall. Wong was busying himself with his tools.

Leonardo found himself wondering what this was leading to. Staring down at his hands, dirty and bloodstained, he felt weary and wavering. Throughout this whole incident, he had been relying on his instincts, hadn't he? It was only now when he sat down next to the operation room in which his brother's fate was determined, he finally began to think.

Was he risking his brother's lives? Did he really care?

A thrill ran down his spine, and he realized that he had been wrong. He remembered Master Splinter asking him what was his heart telling him. He hadn't listen. Not one word. Not even one idea. He had not been meditating for seeking truths; he had only been trying to avoid facing reality.

_Reality was what haunted you the most._

So Donnie was gone. He had thought maybe it wouldn't affect them so much; maybe they'd get used to it one day. But he was wrong. The incident had shaken their root as brothers. They _changed._ Time had changed the family and turned their world into a long dark tunnel with no end to be seen. It was a trail leading to nowhere. _To more suffering, maybe._ To becoming _completely lost_. It was _not_ a trail, it _was a trial_, a test in life, an indifferent smile of destiny…

They could have realized this long time ago, but they were too busy soaking in their misery. They should have turned their back against the void and found the way out, but none of them listened to their own hearts. Now there was only regret.

_No, regret isn't going to work._

He clenched his fists.

* * *

Raphael refused to witness the scene. Instead, he chose to hang around in the corridor. He paced up and down, up and down, feeling anxiety and irritation smoldering deep inside his body. He felt powerless and he hated it.

_What am I goin' to tell Mikey when he wakes up and finds his left arm gone? He will never be able ta wield two nunchakus again, and how will he feel about it? And how can I face him and look him in the eyes, knowin' that it's our fault failin' to protect him?..._

He forced himself to stop his thoughts but failed. When he was finally exhausted, he collapsed on a couch in the waiting room. The clinic was still, clean and bright. It belonged to the human world, not their world.

O-O-O

He must have fallen asleep, for he woke up and found the room dark. Was it Leo who turned the light off?

_"…__I told you…"_

It was the sound of voice that had dragged him from his dreams.

_"…__It was finished…"_

Raphael rose to his feet, quietly went into the corridor and saw the light of the office was on. He peeped inside.

The damned vet was talking on a _phone._

"...It went successful. You have to give the money to me when you get here, or I'll tell them to go. …Yeah? I can tell them to stay, too! It's weak and can't be moved now; they'll have to wait for the transfusion. ….Alright! Alright! _Who's_ the professional? …Okay. Tell me _when_ and where, okay?... Nice cooperation with you too, _sir_."

The second Enoch Wong hung up the phone, he felt cold metal pressing against his neck.

_"__WHOM are ya talkin' to?" _The turtle, the unmerciful killer monster had discovered his little secret.

Enoch Wong cried out in pain; he thought his neck was pierced, but it was only his arms being yanked behind his back. He sighed in relief.

"So, yer talkin' ta someone. Who is it?" The red-masked turtle whispered to his ear, and he swore he heard it laugh quietly and viciously. _It is going to kill me._

"I…I…I have n…"

"Don't fool me." The point of his sai sank into the vet's skin.

"It was the _Purple D…Dragon_!" Wong shrieked. "They called yesterday and today, told us to report to them if any strange turtle-like creature show up! I'd…thought it was a joke until you came!"

"They'd pay ya, right?"

"Yes…. Don't kill me! _P..Please!_" Wong cried, "We can make…_make a deal._ I can call them again and tell them not to come."

"Could you do that?" Another voice. Leonardo appeared at the doorway.

"Yes, an…and I won't ask t..too much. Just… just give me the _fee_ o..of the surgery and I'll.."

"_Well I can choose to __**kill**__ you._" Raphael grunted.

"Mr. Wong, when will these Purple Dragons arrive?" Leonardo said.

"I believe they're right on the roof." Wong said; he could feel blood trail down his neck.

"Then it's too late. _Let's move._" Leo gestured the front door. "I'll get Mikey. Raph, tie him up; seal his mouth. Don't let him call anyone."

"Don't want me ta kill this scum?" Raph grinned, but his eye wasn't smiling; there were only pure rage and cruelty.

"Don't harm him." Leo narrowed his eyes.

* * *

"_Coast is clear._" Raph mumbled, looking down the staircase.

"My estimation is that we got three minutes." Leo whispered from behind.

"How's Mikey?"

"Fine. You go ahead." Michelangelo was now safely wrapped in a blanket and on Leo's back.

"No." Raph turned back to face his brothers. "This time, ya go first."

Leonardo took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

"All right." He agreed.

They hurried down the stairs. When they were about reaching the second floor, Leo halted abruptly.

"Wh—?" Raph stopped himself as Leo turned around to eye him warily.

_The Foot._ Leo mouthed silently.

Raph nodded, "_We meet at Casey's._" And suddenly he was ahead of Leo. Leo wanted to stop him as he realized what he was doing, but it was already too late. Raph had gone out of his sight.

"**_Come on_**_ you goons!_" He heard Raph yelling at them. He took a sharp turn and headed straight to the closest window.

O-O-O

He had not think about how much it would affect him to lose one eye, and now was a good time to know.

The blow he just received on his left shoulder was the answer. He growled, thrusting a sai into the nearest ninja. He did not have to finish them all. Just enough time for Leo and Mikey to get away.

_Hang in there pal,_ he told himself.

It was easy to defend the attack coming from his right side, but he could see nothing from his left. _Come on. Why are ya thinkin' 'bout defendin'? Where did that word even come from?_

He pushed his sai into an enemy, and kicked back just in time to fend off another attacker. A ninja punched him in his chin and he was forced back a few steps; fortunately he did not lose balance. If he fell now, it would be the end of the game.

He would not let _that_ happen.

* * *

He hurt his ankle when he jumped out from that window; it slowed them down a little, but luckily no one was behind them.

Leonardo climbed into Casey's apartment. It was so…nice to be in some place safe.

He sighed in relief.

He laid Mikey down on the bed, and sat down beside Mikey.

_Come back safely, Raph._

He closed his eyes.

_We need you. We need each other. We're all we got now._

No one's watching him now, so he carefully, or even_ cautiously_, let one teardrop fell from one of his eye. But that was all he could do. He was not sure whether he was capable of crying anymore. It felt strange to do so.

Suddenly the smile of Mikey entered his mind. He saw it clearly as if it was happening right now. Mikey smiled as his eyes closed and his brow furrowed in pain. He stared at the window, from which moonlight gently poured in. The scene struck him as beautiful, like the smile.

Hope was merely visible. But it was there.

_So_ he hoped.

—End of chapter seven.

* * *

**A/N:** FYI, I originally planned 9 chapters. This plan may change, or may not change. I'm still considering. Just thought you should know!


	8. Chapter 8: Mended and Severed

**THE TRIAL OF THE LOST**

**-A/N: **Again, I want to thank all the readers and, especially, _reviewers_! My thanks goes to InsaneDutchGirl, dondena, cup-mikey-gertha, and yukio87. Originally I wanted to send you all a PM but I'm not really good at words (except when I'm writing stories). So, just want to thank you all! You have no idea how happy I am to see there are people actually reading and enjoying my writings.

**And** here is something important I'd like to say...I know it's a SAINW fic explaining what happened after Don was gone, but I'm not planning to cover the whole timeline, which is 30 years (from Don's gone to Don showed up and beat the Big Brother Shredder).

This story is coming to an end for now. _According to my plan, the next chapter will be the last__._ I have other stories planned already (some of them are still SAINW). _And there might be sequel to this in the future._

**BTW **I rewrote chapter one some time after I upload chapter seven. No change was done to the plot. I just wanted to improve it since it's the opening of the story.

**-Based on/inspired by** 2003 TV series episode "Same as it never was".

**-Disclaimer:** I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

* * *

**Chapter Eight: Mended and Severed**

His vision became hazy. Someone went pass him but it was maybe an illusion, for he wasn't supposed to see anything coming from his left side. _So I'm like delusional now? Sounds like fun._ He laughed at himself.

There were about five Foot ninjas behind him right now. He knew he would not be able to maintain the distance for his leg was hurting like it was going to separate from his body. He ran into an alley, gritting his teeth as he tried to ignore the throbbing pain.

It went pass him again. It was a shadow indeed. He could not tell whether it was real. It looked real, though. Was he seeing things with his dead left eye? _Focus, Raphael. It was an illusion._

**_And he had run into a dead end._**

"Great." He smiled wryly, turning to face his fate. Holding his both sai tight, he inhaled deeply.

This really seemed like something he'd _like_.

O-O-O

He was knocked down, his head hitting on something blunt and hard; there were stars in front of his eye. For a moment or two he couldn't think of anything. And something penetrated his confused mind at once. Fish. _Interesting. Fish._ Suddenly all he could think of was _fish_. How's that?

_Then he remembered things about fish. The first time he'd ever seen fish in real life was in the sewer, when he was six years old. The water was polluted and filthy, but some life form managed to thrive down there. Those little grey fish had been one of them._

Someone was inching toward him, dangerously close. He waved his fists—he had lost his sai? Where? Somewhere near but he didn't have time to search for them. He threw the ninja off. Even through his frothy vision, he could tell that these ninjas weren't trying to kill him; they were—he blinked—trying to capture him? Sure. They needed him to find his brothers, to lead them to their hideout. Even if he refused, they could use him as bait.

_That's not gonna happen_, he smiled viciously. He swung out his leg—with chattering teeth as the pain rose up sharp and without mercy—and one of his enemies fell. He dodged an attack from his right side as he reached for his pocket. _Shuriken._ His enemies noticed his move but it was too late; two of them fell to the ground without knowing what had assaulted them.

He glimpsed from the corner of his eye and saw there were four or more Foot ninjas coming toward him.

_Thud._ He fell.

_Fishes were all over the place. He had leaned forward toward the dirty water, trying to catch one._

All foamy and frothy. _Fish._

_He'd have to kill himself if they actually capture him._

_Fish._ Someone kicked him in his lower plastron and he coughed groans. Blood filling his mouth, he spat and feeling nauseated.

_Fish._ _He hadn't noticed he was lost. The sewer could sometimes feel like a giant maze, dark and horrible. It was fun when he played with his brothers, but it was a totally different situation when he was alone in the tunnels. He had followed the fish, but these little creatures weren't heading toward his home._

He helplessly raised his fists and something hit his head again. Dull and hard. _Ah,_ they were gone, those little _fishie_.

_The world was fading. The end had come—_at least he_ thought _so_._

"Raph? Can you hear me?" A familiar voice. It sounded like his brother.

"Raphael!" The voice called his name again. He was being dragged to his legs, forced to stand straight. The world was still dark. He couldn't see a thing. Oh, maybe one _fish_ or two.

"Stay with me Raph. Open your eyes. We need to go, more are coming." The voice was firm and strong. "Can you walk?"

He murmured something he wasn't quite sure himself.

"Lean on me." The voice said.

They started walking, in a slow but steady pace. _The voice had said more are coming? What are coming?_

Presently he felt another presence. Still couldn't see anything, he managed to reach an arm toward the direction.

He touched something furry—it was a hand, and it held his hand in its warm grasp.

He swallowed. "_Sensei._" His voice came out in a rasp.

"_I'm here, Raphael. I'm with you._" The old, gentle voice said. "_Keep walking, my son. You'll all soon be out of danger._"

"I…I don't know." He muttered. "Mikey…"

"_He will recover from his injury. And you all will. Never hasten to know the answers in life, my son. The answers will come as long as your mind remain calm and peaceful to welcome them in._"

The rat's voice was so distinct; it was as if it was pronounced inside his head.

He walked in silence, leaning on the person who first called his name. It was easier to walk now.

"We're almost there." The first voice said. _Splinter had gone_. "Just hold on a little longer."

He nodded. A _fish_ slipped through his thick fingers.

"Alright." The voice sighed. He felt arms around him, and he was laid down on something soft. A sensation of relief came to him as his mask was untied and his face was naked. He felt something, maybe a pillow, was stuffed behind his head.

"It's safe Raph. Can you hear me?" The voice called again. It was not calm anymore; now it sounded anxious and eager.

"Say _something_, Raph." It pleaded. Cool, wet towel pressed down on his cheek, easing the pain from the back of his head. And something freezing cold was placed beneath his head. _Ice pack_.

"Come on. Raphael." It begged; he could hear the desperation in it.

"_My son._" He heard it again, the voice of his father. "_Awake. Your brothers need you._" As soon as the last word was uttered, the presence was gone again. And his mind felt clearer.

So he opened his eye.

They were back in Casey's apartment. He was lying on the couch. And Leonardo was looking down at him with worried gaze.

Raph curved his lips into a smirk.

"_… __These fish were tryin' ta lead me away. Knew you'd come._ _Big brother._"

Leo smiled tiredly back, not completely relieved, though.

"You can count on me." He said softly, and then cleared his throat with an unsure expression. "I have to tell you something, Raph. I'm sorry I haven't tell you about it."

"What is it?" Raph asked, though he already had a vague idea.

_"…__Master Splinter is dead."_

He swallowed.

"I know. He _talked ta me_." Raph said. "_When there were fish all over the place._"

Leo gazed at him closely, frowning.

"You alright Raph? I think you hit your head pretty hard."

That explained why he felt lightheaded, and the _fish_. _Wait. They were real, weren't they? Master Splinter was real; he really was there._

"I went back to the lair. It was…a huge mistake. I put you and Mikey at risk." He said with a painful glare into the distance.

Raph did not say anything. The _fish_ still troubled him._ And that's not gonna change anythin'. Mikey lost his arm. Splinter's already dead._

Leonardo sighed. Placing one hand on Raph's plastron, he changed subject, "How are you feeling?"

Raph shifted uncomfortably under his touch, but he was too exhausted to shove it off. "Dizzy." He mumbled, thinking maybe he should stop talking about _fish_. "_Head hurt_s like hell."

"It might be a slight concussion." Leo said.

"Guesso." Raph wanted to sit up, but his body felt like it weighed a thousand ton. _Geez, those fish are heavy._

Leo noticed his struggle. "Don't move just yet. Lemme take care of your wounds first."

"Are they bad?" Maybe the _fish_ had been trying to eat him.

"…Yeah." Leo touched his left upper arm with the wet towel. He flinched.

Leo looked at him apologetically. "Sorry. It will hurt a little."

Raph lowered his chin to a small nod. He watched Leo clean the wounds and apply ointment onto them. Leo's brow furrowed as he worked with patience and focus. The look was so familiar to him. He had seen it on Leo since they were little. The 'big brother look' he called it. Although they always competed in all things, Leo was the only one who actually possessed the dignity as the leader and the top turtle. It was something he never had. And sometimes he wished _not to have_. He'd never admit it, but sometimes it was good to be the younger brother, like now, as he looked at Leo's austere face.

Maybe his own face betrayed his thoughts, for Leo stopped to stare at him attentively. "You alright?"

He blinked; he hated it when Leo noticed his vulnerability. "Huh? Yeah…'m fine."

"You look like you're drifting off. It's okay ya know. You're exhausted." Leo's hand was on his arm.

"I'm…alright." He yawned, protesting. "It's just _fish_." Somehow the warmth coming from Leo's hand made his eyes and throat burn.

Leo looked puzzled, "What about fish? You keep saying that."

"No I didn't." Raph smiled. _Why is he smilin'?_

"Yeah?" Leo's concerned face was closer, "I think this is serious, Raph."

"Ya found me." Raph muttered. "_While I chased behind those stupid li'l fish._"

"What do you mean?" Leo frowned, and suddenly his eyes softened and the wrinkles on his forehead disappeared. "You mean…that time you went alone in the abandoned tunnel section?"

"A long, _long_ time ago." Raph found himself showing another silly smile. "_Only ya remembered the way home and you were only six._"

Leo still looked worried, but now he smiled. "Yeah. I remembered. You should never run off, Raph. You have no idea how worried I am each time you just storm off the lair."

"Yeah, …and ya should never keep things from us. And stop bein' a condescending _jerk_." Raph said, eyelids drooping.

"You should stop talking, Raph. You are tired and lost too much blood. I'll make you some herbal tea later."

Raph smiled at the last sentence in disbelief. "Casey's got herbal teabags in this place?"

"Yeah, I found them in a drawer. Guess Sensei gave them to him." Leo shrugged. "Or maybe you want some hot chocolate?"

"With _marshmallows_?" Raph licked his lips, grinning sleepily.

"Sure." Leo smiled. "But first let me bandage your arm. Man, your head…. You'll be better after some decent sleep."

He'd like to have some hot chocolate with _no fish swimming inside_, but he fell asleep before Leo finished dressing the wounds. He remembered vaguely being carried to the bed in half-sleep.

He wanted to convince himself he was not angry with Leonardo anymore. They were good again. Just like _old_ times.

But that's a lie. He _hated_ him, more than ever. He hated _himself_. They weren't able to stop this. They weren't able to stop _fucking_ **_everything_**.

He did not have any dream that night.

* * *

_[Michelangelo]_

_He heard voices._

_Sometimes he heard his brothers. Sometimes he heard strangers. Sometimes he found Donnie sitting by his side, smiling at him. It's nice to know somebody was keeping him company, for there was constant pain and fever tormenting his body._

_Sometimes it hurt so much all he could think of was to die. He wanted so badly just to end the pain. He'd begged and begged for the pain to stop, but no one listened—sometimes it was silent and it felt like time had stopped ticking. A second was extended to an everlasting moment; there was pain, and pain, and nothing besides._

_Sometimes the darkness would fade a little and he could see through a thin cloud. He saw many things. Faces, places, and scenes from his memory. He experienced some memories over and over again. His arm was gashed open for countless times. He could see blood pouring out and splashing onto the faces of his opponent. He could see the worry look on his brothers' face. They were enduring pain just like he did. He could see Raph's left eye, losing its vivid rage and emotions; the beautiful shade of amber had gone. He could see Leo's stern face and cold eyes, and the warm and reluctant soul within. He could even see himself sometimes. He saw himself, motionless and lifeless, lying on a bed and wrapped in a blanket; the scene replayed over and over again—he'd see the blanket being pulled away, showing his body, showing his left arm. He always ended up screaming in silence, because there was no arm._

_His forearm—it was severed._

* * *

Michelangelo gasped, panting and shuddering in cold sweat.

That must be a dream.

It must be.

His eyes jerked open, and he found himself in a bed. Just like in his dream.

He lifted his head slightly and stared down his body.

He was covered in warm blanket. He couldn't see his arm.

With a painful attempt, he raised his right hand weakly. The blanket slipped from his body.

"_Leo? Raph?_" He whimpered lowly.

O-O-O

"We had to." Leonardo said with his back to him.

Raphael was sitting on the edge of the bed, studying his face.

And he was still lying on the bed, looking blank and feeling empty.

"_Yeah._" His voice still weak and faint, "I…I know."

Raph reached out a hand, trying to put it on his shoulder. He pushed it away.

Leo sighed, standing up.

"Where ya goin'?" Raph yelled at Leo, harshly.

"Just…going to the kitchen." Leo said.

"_Don't_ ya think ya oughtta explain somethin'?" Raph asked coldly.

Leo turned back, "Explain what?" He looked irritated.

"_Everythin'_. To him. Isn't that yer responsibility?"

"You can explain it yourself." Leo said expressionlessly. "Go on. Tell him it's my fault. That's what you wanna say, isn't it?"

Raph smirked. "I just—"

"Oh, just _shut up_." Michelangelo said suddenly. There was annoyance in his voice that he couldn't quite recognize.

His brothers turned to stare at him.

"Leave me _alone_." He said wearily. "_Is that okay_ with you?"

"Yeah…" Raph swallowed, his expression confused and strange. "Sure, Mikey."

"Of course." Leo said slowly, drawing back a few steps.

When they left him, he buried his face into his right palm—he had wanted to bury his face into his both palms, but that was no longer possible.

No tears came.

—End of chapter eight.


	9. Epilogue: The Same Whirling World

**THE TRIAL OF THE LOST**

by TJ Hector

* * *

**-A/N: **

Thank you for your reviews, cup-mikey-gertha, EmoPrivateLuv, InsaneDutchGirl, yukio87 and dondena. Especially _cup-mikey-gertha_ and _InsaneDutchGirl_, your reviews are great encouragements to me! They mean to me a lot. (Sorry I'm not good at saying sweet words this is my greatest effort...!) _Thank you so much all the readers!_

This is a bit shorter than the previous chapters since it was not actually a chapter with plot but only an epilogue containing several small sections to properly put the story to a closure.

I think this is good enough for my first multi-chapter fan fiction. Actually the longest story in English I've ever written in my whole life. Of course I'm never satisfied. And I know there are still a lot of grammar and spelling error in previous chapters I haven't got time to check and correct. I'll keep writing in the future and certainly improve myself.

I have had a very good time writing the story. I put a lot of emotions and thoughts into it. It's like a _live meditation_ for me. (I tried meditating on a regular basis but it's not my thing LOL!) Detect your thoughts, brood on them and scribble them down. It certainly helped me understand many things better. Okay. Enough babbling.

**-Based on/inspired by** 2003 TV series epic episode "Same as it never was".

**-Disclaimer:** I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

* * *

**Epilogue: The Same Whirling World**

_[Michelangelo]_

_I loved to sit beside the window and gaze the sunshine brighten up the city. It was incredible seeing the city, an absolutely artificial creation, soaking under the warm, inexplicable power of nature. The New York City we knew our whole life wasn't exactly a glamorous place; we knew its dark sides too well. But under that sunlight everything looked so small, bright and trivial._

_I'd never had much time to adore such things like sunlight or the breeze coming in from the window, since we'd been living our whole life in the sewer underground. Now that I had a chance to just sit down and stare into the beauty, I suddenly didn't want to see anymore. It's too overwhelming. The world outside still whirled on, but our lives had crumbled and shattered. Outside that window everything seems so glorious, peaceful and ordinary that it made me angry. It was too callous. Though I knew the world, that shiny beauty under the rays, had nothing to do with us like Raph always reminded me, I sometimes envy it too much. I wanted to belong there._

_I wanted to leave our burdens behind. I wanted to leave my brothers, and I know they were sick and tired of me as well. They never said a word or complained about anything, but I knew. I hated it when Raph pestered me with feeding me spoons of cereal or some instant soup (I ain't got no arm. My right hand's still there), or when Leo sar next to me and asked me how am I feeling without looking my face. What irritated me the most was that they never looked into my eyes anymore. And my arm. They never, not even a little instant, looked at my arm. I didn't know whether it's because they feel guilty or because they didn't want to remind me the pain. They had no idea they looked miserable. They no longer fought; they just ignored one another. I was scared at first, like when Don disappeared years ago. But I was good at adapting I guess, unlike my other two brothers. I quickly learned to overlook their expression or what they said to me. I nodded and mumbled some response. I was like an empty shell, sitting there and rotting without being noticed._

_One day I tried to get out of bed. I had been healing fast. I found my nunchuks on the little table near TV. I took one in my right hand and felt it. That's when Raph came in and saw me. He stared at me wide-eyed. For a moment we gazed into each other's eyes. He looked like something died. I hated it when he looked like that. I ain't dead. I just lost one arm and what's the big deal? And when I could no longer bear the weight in his stare, I threw the nunchuk across the room and it hit him on his plastron. I expected him to be enraged but he just frowned and called my name. His voice was so soft that I grew even angrier. I took my other nunchuk and locked myself inside the kitchen the rest of the day. They didn't try to open that door or make me come out which I was glad. I played with my nunchuk. It felt weird with only one of them and only one of my arms. But like I said I'm quick at adapting. I would get used to it._

* * *

"Hello...?"

"April. This is Leonardo."

"Hey! Leo! We've been worrying sick…How's everything?"

"We're fine. We're staying at Casey's apartment. You think it's okay with him?"

"Of course! We can't be much of help here. I'm glad at least there's something we can do for you."

"Thanks, April. And tell Casey we're very grateful."

"Don't mention it, Leo. Is everyone okay?"

"Yeah… it's just… uh, I have to tell you something, April."

"…What is it, Leo?"

"…_Master Splinter is dead._"

"…"

"…"

"…_I'm so sorry_, Leo…"

"…. So…you're in the farmhouse?"

"Yeah. And we sold our car and bought another second-hand van. So…it's safer to drive around once we get back to the city."

"…You think it's okay if we come to the farmhouse too?"

"Of course. You should leave the city for a while. We can come pick you up."

"Thanks, April. We…actually there will only be Raphael and Michelangelo. I'm gonna stick around here for a while."

"But, why?"

"Have you seen the news lately?"

"You mean… Shredder has expanded his force and he's going to offer his help to the defense of New York City?"

"Yeah… I want to investigate this matter. Maybe stop him if I can. I think that's why he chose this moment to ambush us, so we could be distracted from his other depraved plans. I think he's gaining his political power over the city. Not just in the dark alley, but on the surface, too."

"But he was authorized by the government, Leo. You think you can stop him, against a whole robot ninja army?"

"I don't know. That's why I need time, April. Maybe we couldn't stop him. But…nobody knows the generous philanthropist Oroku Saki is actually a conspirator. We are the only ones who know the truths, April. We need to find out his plan before it's too late."

"Guess you're right, Leo. When should we meet? I mean when should we come back for the guys?"

"Maybe in the early morning the day after tomorrow? We are going to bury Sensei in the morning, in the Park. We can meet afterwards."

"Be careful, Leo. I'm…really sorry."

"Thank you, April. Really. You and Casey take care."

"You, too."

* * *

Raphael stared at the glass bottle resting on the kitchen table. He remembered very well the day Leo brought it back with him. It had been a month ago—Mikey was still suffering a slight fever, but things were starting to settle down.

_It was a rainy morning just after dawn._

_Raph had been dozing off on the couch until he heard the noise from the window. As he opened his eyes and straightened himself, he saw Leo coming in with a glass bottle wrapped in his arm, soaking wet._

_They seldom spoke to each other now. The silence in the apartment felt safe, so Raph didn't bother to ask what was in the bottle. He simply narrowed his eye and staring at Leo in question._

_"__**It's his ashes.**__" Leo said quietly, and then went past him without another word._

_So Leo had been to God knows where to cremate Splinter's body last night. Picturing Leo standing in front of the fire consuming mercilessly their father's battered body, Raphael felt nauseated. He laid himself down on the couch again, soundlessly fighting back the tears in vain. He had become weaker in resisting soft emotions. And God knows how much he hated that._

"Raphael." A voice called him back to reality. He blinked and turned around.

It was Leonardo, motioning him to go.

He nodded, picking up the bottle and holding it tight against his chest.

The three of them headed out into the night.

* * *

When April O'Neill arrived the place Leo had said, she discovered only one turtle.

"Michelangelo," she uttered.

The turtle before her wasn't the same turtle she had seen only months ago. His eyes were foreign, and his lips were slightly pursed. She also noticed the obvious change. Leonardo didn't mention Mikey was hurt this badly.

"Where's Raphael?" she asked.

Michelangelo shrugged. "Didn't want to come."

It was as though he was shutting his heart up or something. She could not detect even a tiny trace of emotion.

"Can we go now?" Mike said, looking at her with his sharp gaze, "I wanna get out of this place."

"Yeah, me too." April agreed. She put a hand on his carapace; he tensed up and his features stiffened. Her heart ached at the sight.

And they walked all the way to the van.

* * *

_[Leonardo]_

_No one said anything during the little funeral for our father. It wasn't exactly like human's funeral we've seen on TV or other occasions. It was quiet. There were no rituals of any kind. We stood before our hand-made tombstone and the little pile of dirt. We had scattered the ashes into the earth._

_We started out as animal, and then were mutated into something beyond human comprehension; finally, we would go back to earth like normality. We're not so special after all._

_During the long minutes standing in silence with my brother in front of the grave, I thought about things like this. How trivial were our lives. How transient. When we turned to leave the park, I felt like nothing mattered anymore. We were constantly changing. I changed. Raph changed. Mikey changed. Donnie used to discuss with me something about personal identity—there were many debates in philosophy concerning whether we were the same, continuous being. If Donnie were going to ask me this question again, I'd tell him I didn't think we were the same person as before._

_We will never be._

_O-O-O_

_Now I went back to Casey's apartment. I left Mikey where April would come and get him and saw him depart with her from a distance. Raph had left me sometime before we entered the block Casey lived. I only uttered a faint 'be careful' to him. Strange. A month ago we were fighting to stay together, now we were drifting apart like it was the most natural thing in the world._

_I sat down on the couch. I recalled the night I brought Raph back from that alley where I found him surrounded by half a dozen of Foot Ninjas. That night I laid him down on this very same couch. For a moment we were so close I could feel his regret, and mine. For a moment I thought everything would go back to normal._

_I failed them and then lost them. The team was gone. It was maybe for the good since I was not the good leader they needed anymore. I was nineteen years old but I felt like I was ninety. When would this stop? When would I be able to let go of that weary frown and the tight, clenching feeling in my stomach? Maybe I never will._

_Sometimes I felt like I could cling to something so I wouldn't be spun around, chasing behind remorse. But I doubted I would find such a thing. There were times you found out that there was only one thing you got in this universe that would be there for you—yourself. We, the beings in the world, were always lonely; we just weren't aware of it._

_I felt like I shouldn't be spun around._

_I sat as the sun came up, ending the very long night._

**—The End**


End file.
